The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethovens Ninth Symphony. In the piece, theres a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. Hey! We need to get back! he cried.No need to panic, said a fellow bassist. I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductors score together with string. Itll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date.Well, of course, said her companion. Dont you see? Its the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.
Ladies…read and heed!
SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably dont want to know what were thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship. We dont know anything about handbags. Dont even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you cant have the remote control.
Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says I love you like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.
Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, its not different, its just like every other cat. Dont make us guess. Dont cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if its up, put it down.
Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isnt able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up – hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine… but what the heck is a pinata?"
From the Tonight Show last night:
Item n on Johnnys list of Things I have Learned: Never get too
attached to a house.
Robin Williams comment on the above: Ah yes, divorce. From the
Latin for having your genitals torn off through your wallet.
Yo mama so ugly that when she entered an ugly contest, she was disqualified for being a professional.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define great he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you cant afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.
Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 – Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.
Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
A fellow was telling a couple his friends about the tragedy that befell him while scouting the woods that weekend prior to opening of deer season. I was goin through the woods, he said, when, turning behind a big tree, I came face to face with a huge grizzly……Wow!, said one of the friends, that mustve been really scarey. …Yeah, said the man telling the story, The grizzly reared up like this (man stands up, raises both hands in front…with hands clawed), and goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Man, I just shit all over myself!!….Well, hell, says one of the buddies, Id shit all over myself, too, if a bear did that to me…….No, no, said the teller, I didnt mean, then…..I meant, just now…when I reared up and screamed GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Ten ways to know that youre addicted to your computer:-
10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.
6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO ILL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLES STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOURE DOING,
ND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.
To which she replied:
IM SURE THAT YOUR POLES
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT IM BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!