Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up. Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

[Ed: A JEDR (pronounced Jedder) is a generic member of a lampooned
identifiable group. It stands for Joke Ethnic/Denomination/Race and
can refer to members of any such group, and others. This acronym does
not refer to any specific person or group. ]

Well, a young JEDR woman got married, you see, and as is traditional
with JEDR custom, she was a virgin and knew nothing of the ways of
Luv.

On her wedding night, she ran downstairs to her mother and cried,
Momma, momma, what do I do?

Her mother replied, Dont you worry, girl. Just lie back and enjoy
yourself.

So the girl went back upstairs to where her husband was waiting.
When she entered the room, she found that hed removed his shirt,
and his arms and chest were very broad, and very hairy.

She ran screaming back down the stairs.
Momma, momma, she cried. Hes gotta BIG HAIRY CHEST!

Her mother calmly replied, Dont you worry, girl. Hes gotta a
big hairy chest, that just mean he gotta BIIIIG love muscle. You
go back uppa there and have a good time.

So back up the stairs she went. This time, when she entered the room,
her husband had removed his trousers, and she saw his strong, muscled,
hairy legs.

She ran screaming back down the stairs.
Momma, momma, she cried. Hes gotta THICK HAIRY LEGS!!

Her mother calmly replied, Dont you worry, girl. Hes gotta
thick hairy legs, that just mean he gotta LARGE junket pump. You
go back uppa there and lie down and enjoy yourself.

So back up she goes. As she enters the room, she sees his feet for
the first time–and one of them is half missing!

She ran screaming back down the stairs.
Momma, momma, she cried. Hes gotta FOOT AND A HALF!!

Her mother rushed upstairs with the words, Outa my way, girl.
This is a job for your momma!

(Told to me by my girlfriend, who was told by a young JEDR girl.)

Rev. Dr. Phil Herring, Dept. of Computing Science, University of Wollongong

Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

Why did Bill Clinton veto the tax cuts?





So he could pay his interns.

Dont be so open minded that your brain falls out.

Ingredients

1/2 cup Hugs
4 tsp Kisses
2 cups Smiles
4 cups Love
1 cup Special Holiday Cheer
1/2 cup Peace on Earth
3 tsp Christmas Spirit
2 cups Goodwill Toward Man
1 Sprig of Mistletoe
1 medium-size bag of Christmas Snowflakes (the regular kind wont do!)

Method

Mix Hugs, Kisses, Smiles and Love until consistent. Blend in Holiday Cheer, Peace on Earth, Christmas Spirit and the Good Will toward Men. Use the mixture to fill a large, warm heart, where it can be stored for a lifetime. (It never goes bad!)

Serve as desired under mistletoe, sprinkled liberally with special Christmas Snowflakes.

It is especially good when accompanied by Christmas Carols and family get-togethers.

Serve to one and all.

Q. Whats the difference between butter and a blonde?

A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?

A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?

A. She opens the car door.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?

A. Play ball!

We like the letter of resignation offered by charming young secretary who was forced to quit her job because of embarassing circumstances. Dear Boss, it began, Im getting too big for this job …

Un día Pepito estaba en el colegio completamente desesperado, corriendo de un lado para otro, apartando las mesas y las sillas, registrando abrigos ajenos, vamos, montando una gorda… y entra la profesora y allí esta pepito con su búsqueda.

¿Qué pasa, Pepito? ¿Que haces?

Pepito, fuera de si, contesta:

!Mi sacapuntas, he perdido mi sacapuntas! ¡Mi sacapuntas!

Y la profesora contesta en un tono tranquilizador:

Pero hombre, Pepito, no te preocupes, es solo un sacapuntas, dile a tu papá que te compre otro y en paz…

¡Que no, que no, que cuando mi hermana perdió la regla le dieron una paliza bestial…!