Old and New Jokes

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, Its the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cats resistance varies in inverse proportion to a humans desire
for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will
therefore use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box OccupancyAll bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the
earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cats irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the
cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount
of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesnt Matter.
Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she
cant hear a simple command three feet away.
Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from
each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they cant see you, then you cant see them.
Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cats mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the
lap she occupies.
Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cats mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the
lap she occupies.
Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the
probability of where she might be.
Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered

Two dwarfs were on a golf vacation, and after playing 36 holes on the first day, they hit the local bar.

After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection. His depression was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of One, two, three … uhh! all night long.

On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, How did it go?

The first whispered back, It was so embarrassing. I couldnt get an erection.

The second dwarf shook his head. You think thats embarrassing? he cried. I couldnt even get on the damn bed!

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.

Congratulations! said the clerk looking at the bride. Would you like the bridal then?

No thanks, said the woman. Ill just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!

Son: Dad! I have saved 3 rupees today.

Father: Is it! How?

Son: I ran behind the bus.

Father: Idiot! Fool! You should have run behind the taxi. then you may save
30 rupees.

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you dont need to know, dont want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets cant even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane theyre building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you dont need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you dont fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you dont go anywhere. But thats okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

The phone rings in the middle of the night.

Before the wife can get it, her husband answers.

He hears a mans voice asking if the coast is clear.

Jesus, man he hollers how the hell should I know? The oceans 30 miles east of here.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

On a recent vacation, I came upon the following news item in
the March 15 Blue Springs, Missouri, Examiner:

PICK 3

ST. LOUIS–The winning numbers drawn Tuesday night in the daily
Missouri Lottery Pick 3 game were 9-9-9.

A winning $1 ticket with the numbers in the correct order paid $500; a
winning $1 ticket with the numbers in any order paid $160.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmothers eyesight is, and hopes she wont notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says … Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!