24
Jul

Phone a loan

A man approaches his best friends wife one day when her husband is at the
office. Will you have sex with me? he asks.

No. My husband wouldnt approve.

O.K. What if I give you $1000?

Well, for $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my
husband is at work.

So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do
whatever it was they did(!) In the evening her husband comes home a
little distraught:
Was my best friend here today?

Y-y-yes. his wife says with concern.

And did he leave $1000?

Y-y-yes. she says expecting the worst.

Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he
could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!

23
Jul

From South Dakota

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old man. Above the old man was a sign that read, $5.00 – If I cant tell you where youre from, Ill pay you $50.00!

The young man watched a cowboy approach the old man and ask, Is the sign right?

The man says, Yes. The cowboy hands him a five and says, Youre on!

The old man looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, Youre from Wyoming.

The cowboy shakes his head and says, Ill be darned! Youre right! and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the old man and goes through the same routine.

Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the old man looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The old man says, Youre from Montana!

The cowboy, dejected, walks away.

The young man decides hes going to give the old man a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them, dries them off and puts on a coat of polish. He walks up to the old man, hands over a five dollar bill and says, Do your stuff!

The old man looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking hes gone one up on the old geezer. Finally, the old man says, Youre from South Dakota!

The young man gets really upset and cant for the life of him figure out how the old guy could know that, so he asks, How in the world did you know Im from South Dakota?

The old man replies, By the wool on your zipper!

23
Jul

Yo momma 3 times.

Your momma so fat…she fell in love and broke it.



Your momma so fat…shes on both sides of the family tree.



Your momma so fat she broke the family tree.

23
Jul

This is your captain speaking.

This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.Thats me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.

22
Jul

People specialize in their area

People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.

22
Jul

And in October, William B.

And in October, William B. Singleton, 24, just released from jail in
Belton, Mo., on a larceny charge, allegedly broke into a vending machine
in the lobby of the police station and stole a 60-cent Strawberry
Twisteroo while he waited for his ride to arrive.

22
Jul

An Honest Lawyer

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

22
Jul

Pia Zadora

I am told that in the production of The Diary of Anne Frank
with Pia Zadora in the title role, [no, really] when the Germans showed
up, looking for hidden Jews, the audience started shouting Shes upstairs!
Shes upstairs!

Truly, an unforgettable actress.

21
Jul

Chemistry song 12

I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine

I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didnt sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.

And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

21
Jul

Q: How many programmers

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.