Old and New Jokes

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.

Picture this All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

He didnt realize it was the umbilical cord.

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her. Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you will always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her.Adam: Thats wonderful Lord, and I dont want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you.

Testers report problems with Windows TP beta

NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter – Microsofts new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product. Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product.

I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? Its just not intuitive, says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. Im sure the guys Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, its just too loud. Let me control the sweater.

Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom, said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services.

Other testers were less understanding. Im working on a presentation, and suddenly all I can think about is pages A through C of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water, says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. Just thinking about Excel scares the Carp out of me.

Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives.

Originally from Dave Coble
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Q: How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?

A: You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldnt be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

The traffic cop excitedly told his wife, Can you believe this, dear? I finished this jigsaw puzzle in only four months!

Is that a record, honey? his wife asked.

It must be, said the cop. It says three to five years on the box.

I noted the following in misc.kids. Ive got the authors approval to
submit it to rec.humor.funny:

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course,
you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

Robert Plamondon
robert@weitek.COM

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
2. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money cant buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that youve heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If theyre OK, youre it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. TJs Law: You cant fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Number 16 of course, came from Mark Twain

The US Army is currently in the midst of a sexual harassment scandal. It started at a small base in Aberdeen, Maryland. These are some things you might either see in the news, or hear about:

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officers stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment. The girl sighed and said, Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will be be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?

Then there was the newly promoted Army Captain who promptly had his female Quartermaster on the carpet because she forgot to include a sofa in his office.

Im telling you Jody, Ive never been happier said the one recruit to the other. I have two Drill Sergeants madly in love with me. One is just fabulous – handsome, sensititive, caring and considerate. What in the world would ya need the 2nd Sgt for? Jody asked. Oh, Carol replied, Well, Sgt. James is both straight AND single.

Tracy, a new recruit, was complaining about her recent date with a Drill Sergeant. He called me a slut she said, tears in her eyes. Thats terrible! What did you do? asked her fellow recruit. Well, I told him to get the hell outta the motel room, and … to take all his buddies with him.

The Army still doesnt understand how to conduct a decent scandal. They dont even have a cool/catchy name for the incident as yet. Hell, even the Navy, several years ago, had the good sense to use the double entendre Tailhook for theirs.

You have to give the Base Commander at Aberdeen credit though for responding quickly to charges of widespread fraternization between Officers and recruits by issuing a directive to all personnel that such conduct was strictly against all regulations. The memo was signed personally by the Commander, and co-signed by his aide, a Pvt. Lolita Bootsie DeCamp.

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence. Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

Satan! beckoned God. You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!

Yeah? What if I dont? replied the devil.

Ill sue you if I have to, answered God.

Sure, laughed Satan. Where are you going to find a lawyer?