Old and New Jokes

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, Think we oughtta help?

Yep, reckon so, says the second.

The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, Can you breathe?

She shakes her head, no.

Can you speak? he then asks.

She shakes her head, no, again.

With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.

She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.

The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?

SPARKY!!!

You might be a redneck if…
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women dont keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place."So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, hows it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or Ill sue."Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.

Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lawyers dont change bulbs. Now if youre looking for someone to really screw a bulb…

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?

The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles.

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doin all this drinking.

Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies, I only have a dollar.

Estaban dos policías motorizados a la orilla de la carretera, y le dice uno al otro. Mira compañero ahí viene la tonta del 600 como todos los días, ¿qué te parece si nos reímos un rato?, a lo que el compañero contesto afirmativamente.

Por lo que se dispusieron a parar el coche. La tonta que ve al policía mano en alto, paró junto a ellos y uno de los policías le dijo:

Deme el permiso de conducir, a lo que la tonta contesto: ¿Otabe?, ¿otabe e pemiso?, ¿aye e pemiso y hoy otabe e pemiso?

El policía le dice, enséñeme los papeles del vehículo, a lo que la tonta responde: ¿Otabe otabe o papele?, ¿aye o papele y hoy otabe o papele?

El policía insiste deme el seguro del vehículo, y la tonta les responde: ¿ Otabe e seguro aye e seguro y hoy otabe?

En esta el policía se empieza a bajar la cremallera de la bragueta y la tonta que lo ve le dice:

¿Otabe, otabe la prueba de alcohol?, aye la pueba del alcohol y hoy otabe?