Old and New Jokes

Youre a redneck if…



-You have more fingers than you do teeth

-You cut your grass and find a car

-You consider Dennys a Fancy Resturant

-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

-Your age is higher than your I.Q.

-Your favorite pickup line is Does this look infected to you?

-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies Its a gummy bear.

-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

-You say Watch this everytime before you goto the hospital.

-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

Its true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

Cross dressing.

There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying Free Sex with Fill-up.

Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, I think that game is rigged and he doesnt give away free sex.

The buddy replied, No, its not rigged — my wife won twice last week.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, Im Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter.
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, Im Jane Sugarbrown.
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, Arent you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?
She replied, I thought I was, but mother says Im not.

Good News To All Smokers

The International Tabacco Syndicate, on its Golden Anniversary, wishes to invite Smokers of all ages to join in its biggest Anniversary Sweepstakes Draw, where every smoker is a sure winner! All smokers have the chance of winning the following major prizes.

Grand Prizes: A Brand New Cancer, Bronchial Infection, Goiter, Sinusitis, Migraine, Cerebral Tumor, Paralysis, Hypertension, and Asthma

Second Prizes: Special Hepatitis, Meningitis, Bronchitis

Third Prizes: Colored TB, Emphysema, Arteriosclerosis, Gingivitis, Rheumatism, Heart Disease, and Lung Cancer.

You can also have a chance to win consolation prizes such as: Tartar Deposits, Bad Breath, Stained Teeth, Appetite Loss, and Swelled Gums.

Join now!!! Remember that the more sticks you puff, the more chances of easy winning. Fabulous prizes await you!!! You can also be a lucky winner! Please claim your prizes at the nearest funeral parlor.

This promo is a limited offer… See your X-Ray result for more details!!!

The number of times youve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

Youve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

Se encuentran dos amigos, uno de ellos volvía de su luna de miel:

Hola, ¿cómo estás? ¿Qué tal te va en tu vida de casado?

¡Ah… no sabes, mi mujer cocinando es un sol!

¿Cocina tan bien?

No, es un sol, ¡lo quema todo!

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week. The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, Ill stay with you and do *Anything* you want. Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is it? Ive told you Im a beautiful Princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why wont you kiss me?

The boy said, Look Im a computer programmer. I dont have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.

Its a guy thing.



Really means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,

and you have no chance at all of making it logical.



Can I help with dinner?

Really means: Why isnt it already on the table?



Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.

Really means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.



It would take too long to explain.

Really means: I have no idea how it works.



Im getting more exercise lately.

Really means: The batteries in the remote are dead.



Were going to be late.

Really means: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.



Take a break, honey, youre working too hard.

Really means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.



Thats interesting, dear.

Really means: Are you still talking?



Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love.

Really means: I forgot our anniversary again.



You expect too much of me.

Really means: You want me to stay awake.



Thats womens work.

Really means: Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.



You know how bad my memory is.

Really means: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.



Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal.

Really means: I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.



I do help around the house.

Really means: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.



Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing.

Really means: I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.



I cant find it.

Really means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.



What did I do this time?

Really means: What did you catch me doing?



I heard you.

Really means: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.



You look terrific.

Really means: Oh, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.



I missed you.

Really means: I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.



Im not lost. I know exactly where we are.

Really means: Im lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.



We share the housework.

Really means: I make the messes, you clean them up.



This relationship is getting too serious.

Really means: Youre cutting into the time I spend with my truck.



I dont need to read the instructions.

Really means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.