Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?
The guy answers, Yes, Ive never even looked at another women.
St.Peter says, See that Rolls-Royce over there? Thats your car to drive while youre in heaven.
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.
St. Peter says, See that new Buick over there, thats your car to use in heaven.
The third guy answers the same question, I have to admit, Ive chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.
St. Peter says, Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while youre in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy #2 says, Bud, what could possibly be so bad-youre in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!
He says, I saw my wife today!
The other two answer, Thats great! Whats the problem?
He answers, She was riding a skateboard!
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.
You might be a redneck if…
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Spot. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dogs license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, I would like to have one too!
Then I said, But she is a dog!
He said he didnt care what she looked like.
I said, You dont understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.
He replied, You must have been quite a strong boy.
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.
He said he didnt want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, You dont understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.
The clerk said, Me too!
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
You dont understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV.
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.
The Judge said, Same here!
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning.
I said, Im looking for Sex. — My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?
I replied, Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I cant live any longer being so lonely.
And the doctor said, Look mister, you should understand that sex isnt a mans best friend so go get yourself a dog.
Jesus and Moses are playing golf and theyre on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green. Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it and a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle that walks over to the hole and drops it in. Moses turns to Jesus and says, I hate it when your dad plays!
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware
that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is
obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the
product, but in reality theres substantially more information
available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a
guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they
actually signify.
1.0: Also known as one point uh-oh, or barely out of beta. We had
to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and
the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. Were praying that
youll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that
its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing
copy.
1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs …
1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and
so we had to fix them, too.
2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with.
Mind you, its really not what the customer needs yet, but were
working on it.
2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major
changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing
this time, so we dont think we introduced any new bugs while we were
fixing these bugs.
2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you
wont believe how much trouble it caused!
2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug thats been there since
1.0 and wouldnt stop nagging until we fixed it!!
3.0: Hey, we finally think weve got it right! Most of the
customers are really happy with this.
3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.
4.0: More features. Its doubled in size now, by the way, and
youll need to get more memory and a faster processor …
4.1: Just one or two bugs this time… Honest!
5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an
installed base out there to protect. Were cutting the staffing
after this.
6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many,
but its been so long since we looked at this thing we might as
well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy
cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.
6.1: Since Im leaving the company and Im the last guy left in
the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all
the changes Ive made are incorporated before I go. I added some
cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark
little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldnt
do anything). Theyre talking about obsolescence planning but theyll
try to keep selling it for as long as theres a buck or two to be
made.
This is a true story which happened to me.
For a while, I worked as a cashier at a local drugstore.
Well, one afternoon, while I was working at the drug counter, a woman came in
and dropped off 3 prescriptions to be filled. Later, she came back, and wanted
to pick up the prescriptions (they were for her husband). Two of the
prescriptions were ready, with the third stapled to the bag. The pharmacist
had already told me about this one.
Here you go, we were only able to fill two of the prescriptions,
I said.
Why cant you fill the other one? she said.
Im sorry, we dont carry that one, I said.
Well, can you order it?
No.
Well where can I get it filled?
Im afraid you will have to go to the hospital to get it filled.
Why? Whats it for?
A chest X-ray.
And some people wonder why patients never know what the h**l is going on!
BTW, the handwriting on the prescription (by the doctor) was one of the
clearest I have ever seen.