1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommates personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, Theyre more than meets the eye.
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. The Road Warrior, Repo Man, Casablanca,) almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommates bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in just for a couple of weeks.
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommates desk. Include a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommates closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommates parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with Didja ever wonder why…. Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovics Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that its an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Speak into a walkie-talkie in truckerUs terms.
52. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the glid and tell your roommate that youUve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.
53. Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.
54. Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommateUs bed.
55. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.
56. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.
57. Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommateUs underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, RSorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed.S
58. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.
59. Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, RIt came from that way.S
60. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
61. Whenever your roommate is out, turn the volume on his stereo ALL THE WAY UP. When he turns on his stereo, complain hysterically about the noise and his lack of courtesy.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: The user can work it out.
An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly check up. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.
Its fine, says the old man. I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me.
The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.
Oh, my God! says the daughter.
Hes been using the fridge again!
Yo mama so dumb, she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and thought it was a twinkie
This man was on his way back from the dock carrying two buckets of live fish when a game warden stoped him. He said,ok sir, I know you went over your limit, but not only that, its not even season. So the man began to explain, no officer, these are my pet fish. I keep them in a tank at my house and about twice a week I take to that lake, let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they come right back. The game warden did not believe him. So the man offered to show him. Once they got to the dock he dumped the fish in the water and waited a while. Then the warden asked, Arent you going to whistle for you fish? The man turns to him and says what fish?
Real Mothers . . .
Real Mothers dont eat quiche; they dont have time to makeit.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesnt come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers dont want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask why me? and get their answer when a little voice says, because I love you best.
Real Mothers know that a childs growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?
The doctor answered, Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe pain.
I know, but cant you give me some idea?, she asks. Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…
Like this? A little more…
Like this? No. A little more…
Like this? Yes. Does that hurt? A little bit. Now stretch it over your head!
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. Ive got it, follow me. said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. Well go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, Ill unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.
The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, That will be 3 dollars.
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
You faggots!, screams the bartender. Get the hell out of here!
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, Man this isnt working out so well, My knees are killing me!
You think youve had it bad.., the first man exclaims. I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!
A short while ago, someone posted the annual scientific analysis of the Santa Claus story, which can be summed as as Santa Claus — he dead. Traumatized, I forwarded it one to my friend, Joe Beirne, who knows more about science than I do. He returned this rebuttal. As far as I can figure it, Santa lives. It is we that are an illusion.
heres the answer:
———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996
From: Joe Beirne
To: Michael Pollak
Subject: Re: The scientific view of Santa
Santa is probably a creature entirely existant only in the 23rd dimension. Mass, velocity and time have no measurable effect on his efforts on Christmas. As a matter of fact, true-to-legend, in his sub-atomic world it is *always* Christmas. He has essentially forever to deliver the presents, which he unfolds to 4 dimensions using some kind of gravity well (?) (He probably does not live on the North Pole per se, but on one pole of a dipole quantum singularity from whence he focuses his present-sending.)
v
What we call reindeer are, I think, 3-dimensional shadows of 10-dimensional structures that act as transfer particles for the vast amounts of energy needed to re-integrate the toys at the macro-universe scale, and the sleigh is very likely a quantum confinement vessel that absorbs the shock-wave of re-integration when they come down the chimney.
Where do the presents come from, preserving the 2nd law of thermodynamics? They are the residue deposited by the negative entropy created by Santas faster-than-light communication with the good little children in this universe.
The anthropic principle (ie: the present universe has the physics it has only because there are 3 dimensional people here to observe it) is slightly wrong: This universe actually exists to keep the 23 dimensional Santa employed during the holidays.
Sincerely,
Mr. Know-it-All
PS. Santa delivers plenty of toys to Jews & other heathen, but they lack the kind of stubborn credulity required to buy this kind of story.