Old and New Jokes

One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on top of a burning building. When the firemen got there they stretched the trampoline out and told the brunette to jump. She jumped, then the firemen moved back and she died. Then they moved back and told the redhead to jump. She said No! I saw what you just did! The firemen replied, we dont like brunettes, we wont move this time! So she believed them and jumped. They moved again, then returned to where they were. Then they told the blonde to jump. She replied No I saw what you did to them! The firemen said, we dont like brunettes or redheads, we like blondes! She then said OK! Ill tell you what to do! All of you put the net on the ground and BACK UP!

See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy about
Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for Christmas.
Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time. Funny, funny Mother.

See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all done. See
the children watch T.V. Watch children, watch. See the children change their
minds. See them ask Santa for different toys. Look, look, Mother is not
smiling. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will make
robes. Mother will make shirts. Look … Mother put the zipper in wrong.
See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See Mother cut the skirt too
short. See Mother put the material away until January. Look, look, see
Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy candied
pineapple and powdered sugar. See Mother buy flour and dates and pecans and
brown sugar and bananas and spice and vanilla. Look, Look, Mother is mixing
everything together. See the children press out the cookies. See the flour
on their elbows. See the cookies burn. See the cake fall. See the children
pull taffy. See Mother pulls her hair. See Mother cleans the kitchen with
the garden hose. Funny, funny, Mother.

See Mother. See Mother wrap presents. See Mother look for the end of the
scotch tape roll. See Mother bites her fingernails. See Mother go. See
Mother goes to the store for the 12th time in one hour. See Mother go. See
Mother goes faster. Run Mother, run! See Mother trims the tree. See Mother
has a party. See Mother makes popcorn. See Mother scrubs the rug. See Mother
tears up the organized plan. See Mother forgets the gift for Uncle Harold.
See Mother gets the hives! Go Mother Go! See the far-away look in Mothers
eyes. Mother is disorganized. Mother is disoriented. Funny, funny Mother.

It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family. See Father smile.
Father is happy. Smile Father Smile! Father loves the fruitcake. Father
loves the Christmas pudding. Father loves his new neckties. Look, look. See
the happy children. See the childrens toys. Santa was very good to the
children. The children will remember this Christmas. See Mother. Mother is
slumped in a chair. Mother is crying uncontrollably. Mother does not look
well. Mother has ugly dark circles under her blood shot eyes. Everyone helps
Mother to bed. Mother sleeps quietly under heavy sedation. See Mother smile!

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff." T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time…

Class, said he, My name begins with the letter M and I pick up things…. What am I?

A little boy on the front row said, Youre a mother!

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.

The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could row
the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.

The Pole, the ships doctor, said that they could not possibly last that
long, that there was only one solution to the problem and that one of them
would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.

The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that he
would volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.

After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen,
the captain jumped overboard and sank without trace.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?

A1: So they dont get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they dont leave trails, like little snails.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Dont flush, dont flush!

* Ill get a world record for this.
* Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
* Lets ask that group of basketball players for directions.
* Heres my Kent State student ID.
* Its fireproof.
* Hes probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* Im making a citizens arrest.
* So, youre a cannibal.
* Its probably just a rash.
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* Ive seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* Ill hold it and you light the fuse.
* You look just like Charles Manson.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It cant possibly rain for forty days and nights
* Give me liberty or give me death.
* Its strong enough for both of us.
* This doesnt taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* Ive done this before.
* Well, weve made it this far.
* Thats odd.
* Ill just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
* OK this is the last time.
* Dont be so superstitious.

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the
stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for
the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!