Old and New Jokes

Theres never been a macho Acapulco Man advertising campaign.
You dont see groups of stoners huddled around office building doorways in the rain.
No toothpastes are available to get rid of embarassing THC stains on your teeth.
The Spliffs Annual Tennis Classic didnt happen this year.
There are no Senators who identify themselves as being from marijuana states.
No drug kingpin (or other CEO) has lied before Congress about the addictiveness of marijuana.
Uh … wow, what was the question again?
Clinton has definitely inhaled tobacco.
Youll never, ever find the end of a marijuana cigarette on a sidewalk or in a public toilet.

… and the Number One difference between marijuana and tobacco:

Five years imprisonment and a $50,000 dollar fine!

Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than horses?

A: So they dont poop in the parade.

your momma is so stupid when you were born she said look it comes with cable

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the
way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down.
The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it
on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, This test is to
test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go
into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there.
Put a bullet in her head. The guy looks at him and says,no
way. So the director says, You fail.

The next guy comes in. The diresctor tells him the same thing.
Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15
minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldnt go
through with it. The director says, you fail.

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the
room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of
ruckus(glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back
in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, What
happened to you? Guy replies, After three shots I realized
that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to
death.

Mao Tse-Tung, presidente de China de 1950 a 1959, le envío, en aquel entonces, una carta a Fidel Castro:

Mao ama a Fidel. En China, el que no ama a Fidel no es chino.

Fidel Castro respondió la misiva:

Fidel ama a Mao. En Cuba, el que no ama a Mao no es cubano.

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday and decided to go ice fishing. So early the next morning she got all her gear and headed out.

When she reached her destination she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: Theres no fish in there.



So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish there.



So she moves again and the voice tells her there are no fish there. So she looks up and sees a man looking down at her.



How do you know there are no fish there? asks the blonde.



So the man cooly says Well first of all, this is a hockey rink and youre going to have to pay for those holes.

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas.

The girl at the cash register said, Im sorry, but we cant sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies – one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, No – you might have a snake in there. The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady, That smells like crap. The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?

The ballad of Y2K

(sing to the tune of Gilligans Island)



Just sit right back and youll hear a tale

Of the doom that is our fate.

That started when programmers used

Two digits for a date

Two digits for a date



RAM memory was smaller then;

Hard drives were tiny, too.

Four digits are extravagant,

So lets get by with two.

So lets get by with two.



This works through 1999,

The programmers did say.

Unless we write new code by then

The data goes away.

The data goes away.



But management had not a clue;

It works fine now, you bet!

Rewriting code cost money,

We wont do it just yet.

We wont do it just yet.



Now when 2000 rolls around

It all goes straight to hell,

For zero less then ninety-nine,

As anyone can tell.

As anyone can tell.



The mail wont bring your pension check;

It wont be sent to you

When youre no longer sixty-eight

But minus thirty-two.

But minus thirty-two.



The problems were about to face

Are frightening, for sure.

And reading every line of codes

The only certain cure.

The only certain cure



[[ key change, the big finish coming]]

Theres not much time, theres too much code,

And COBOL-coders, few.

When the century is finished,

We may be finished, too.

We may be finished, too.

TEST:

*******************************************************************

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, youll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.

*******************************************************************

1) pick a number from 1-9

2) subtract 5

3) multiply by 3

4) square the number (multiply by the same number — not square root) and if its negative make it positive.

5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6 4= 10= 1 0=1)

6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.

7) multiply by 2

8) subtract 6

9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc…

10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter

11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter

12) think of the color of that mammal

********************************************************************

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE

Here it comes, NO CHEATING or youll be sorry…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You have a grey elephant from Denmark!

A man who isnt qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.



Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.



The owner replies, Yah, I know. Thats my way of getting rid of that pest!



Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.



Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.

But tell me, what in the world happened to you?



Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it fit him great.

As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!