Old and New Jokes

A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear.

The shrink, humoring him, asks, What seems to be the problem?

The guy answers, Doc, Im worried about my brother.

A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car
broke down. Not knowing anything about cars, she started to walk. A
mile down the road, she came to an old country farmhouse and knocked
on the door until two young men came out.

Kin we help ya, miss?

Yes, my car broke down about mile back. I wonder if you could drive
me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?

Well, now, the towns all shut up right now and dont open back up
until tomorrow mornin. But ahll tell ya what, miss, mah brother here
an ahll tow yer car over to the farmhouse and you kin spend the
night here with us.

The woman thought, Well, I really dont have a choice. Besides, I
can handle myself, so she agreed.

After the two brothers towed her car back to the farmhouse, and they
were getting ready for bed, the first one said, Yah know, miss, we
only got one bed in this here house, so ahm afraid yall have ta sleep
with us.

The woman thought about it, and consented. As they were taking their
clothes off, the woman said, By the way, you DO have protection, dont
you?

Protection? Whats that?

You know, condoms.

Well, whatre they for?

Its so I dont get pregnant.

Were simple country folk, miss. Ahm afraid we dont know about those
things.

Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them
on.

Hmm… well, all right.

The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next
morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car
repaired and drove off. About a month later, the two brothers were
sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, when the first one said,
Hey, dya remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?

Yep. She was real good, wasnt she.

Yep. Say, do you care if she gets pregnant?

Nope.

Well, then, lets take these durn things off!

The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and Im really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didnt notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus..Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled Jesus Christ as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his shouting, Go Jesus Christ Go. Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant, they squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldnt hear him very well, but it sounded like mother trucker or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

You might be a redneck if…

You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you cant find it.

You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.

The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

Youve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all thats holding it together.

People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

Youve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.

Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.

You think the internet is a new fishing tool.

Theres a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.

Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.

You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

Your kids cant go out for Hollween because theres nobody within walking distance to get candy from.

You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your stuff (cars, trucks building materials).

Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, just in case.

You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

Q:Why do men stand in front of the mirror naked?



A:Because objects appear larger than they really are.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She
passes a person who asks, Where did you get that?

A: The pig says, I won her in a raffle!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: For Women Only. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you whats inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: All the men on this floor are short and plain. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: All the men here are short and handsome. Still, this isnt good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: All the men here are tall and handsome. The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

His father sends a small boy to bed.

Five minutes later….

Da-ad….

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?

No. You had your
chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…..

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again, Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later……Daaaa-aaaad…..

WHAT!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?

Aquel hombre era astronauta y su mujer siempre lo estaba molestando con su deseo de viajar al espacio. Tanto lo estuvo fastidiando, que a pesar de explicarle que aquello era imposible, finalmente acordaron que en el siguiente viaje espacial ella lo sustituiría sin que nadie lo supiera.

La mujer se viste con el traje espacial del marido, marcado con su nombre: John Smith. Sin decir palabra, se dirigió hacia la nave saludando con la mano a todos los que le gritaban: mucha suerte, John; buen viaje, John, etc.

La nave despegó y a los pocos segundos estalló en el aire. Inmediatamente se organizó el rescate y auxilio de los sobrevivientes. Ya en el quirófano, la mujer comenzó a reaccionar; para tranquilizarla, los cirujanos le susurran:

Quédate tranquilo, John, ya te cosimos el tajito que tenías entre las piernas y ahora estamos tratando de bajarte los huevos, que los tenés en el pecho.