Old and New Jokes

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, Whats in the box kid?

The little boy says, Kittens, theyre brand new kittens.

George W. laughs and says, What kind of kittens are they?

Republicans, the child says.

Oh thats cute, George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, You gotta check this out and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

George W. says, Look in the box Dick, isnt that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are.

The boy replies, Theyre Democrats.

Whoa!, George W. says, I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. Whats up?

Well, the kid says, Their eyes are open now

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

Va Manolo a una farmacia:

Oiga, me puede vender un preservativo porque esta noche voy a cenar con la familia de la chica con la que salgo desde hace tres meses y después, a ver si cae.

Mientras el farmacéutico lo atiende, Manolo se queda pensando y dice:

Bueno, mejor me pone dos porque esta chica tiene una hermana que no está nada mal e igual cae también.

El farmacéutico regresa por otro preservativo y Manolo dice:

Bueno, mejor me va usted a dar tres porque la madre es una cachonda que pone los cuernos a su marido y ya metidos en harina…

LLega la hora de la cena y aquí tenemos al Manolo comiendo sin quitarse la gabardina, con el cuello subido y la cabeza agachada. Al acabar, cuando han salido de la casa, va la chica y le dice:

¡Manolo, no sabía que eras tan tímido!

Ni yo que tu padre era farmacéutico.

Para festejar los 90 años del abuelo le organizaron una fiesta los hijos, nietos, bisnietos, sobrinos, amigos y demás.

A eso de las once de la noche, ya casi todos alcoholizados, ven que el abuelo se va de lado en la silla.

¡Eh, el abuelo se cae!, gritó uno.

Y todos corrieron a enderezarlo.

Al rato, otra vez el abuelo se va de lado en la silla.

¡Eh, miren! ¡Cuidado, el abuelo se cae!

Y otra vez a enderezarlo.

Por tercera vez ven al abuelo inclinarse y al enderezarlo, éste dice con voz temblorosa:

¿Es que no van a dejarme tirar un pedo tranquilo?

Hi yall…muh name ids Bubba and dis is muh fameily:



Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.



My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.



My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.



My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.



My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!



My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.



We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!



Then theres my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.



My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.



Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.



Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.



My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.



Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.



Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.



My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesnt know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.



My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. Its hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.



Thats the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee.

Dice la maestra en la escuela:

Pepito, hoy te va a tocar conjugar el verbo nadar.

Y empieza Pepito gritando con singular entusiasmo:

Yo nado, tú nadas, él nada, nosotros nadamos…

Pepito, más bajo, por favor, lo interrumpe la maestra.

¿Así está bien, maestra: yo buceo, tú buceas, él bucea?

Q: How do you know when a drum solos really bad?
A: The bass player notices.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can easily do the day after.

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"