Old and New Jokes

Why does the University of Tennesse football team
wear orange to all their Saturday games?

So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday,
and to work on Monday.

You might be a redneck if you think the French Riviera is a foreign car!

Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint.

Did you hear about the [ethnic] that bought four snow tires?

They melted on his way home.

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, Mike, is that you?
Wife #1: But I still dont understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husbands name is Andrew.

Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono
Im sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless theyre Bill Wymans date
Jerry Garcia couldnt make it tonight — here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street
Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?
Here, take Cesar Romeros seat
How did Tonya Harding get voted in?
What a coincidence, Mr. McCartney! I played you in the Chicago cast of Beatlemania, and now Im your waiter!
On no, theyre letting Letterman perform!
(Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing Camptown Races)
Earthquake! Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell off his chair
Run for your life its Elton Johns hair!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.

The man below says, Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.

You must be an engineer, says the balloonist.

I am, replies the man. How did you know?

Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.

The man below says, You must be a manager!

I am, replies the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, says the man, you dont know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.

Does virgin wool come from sheep the shepherd hasnt caught yet?

If the front of your car says DODGE, do you really need a horn?

What do sheep count when they cant get to sleep?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Little Johnny was walking down the road one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.

The old man said, Whatcha got there, son?

Johnny said, Got me some chicken wire.

Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son? asked the old man.

Gonna catch me some chickens, said Johnny.

You cant catch chickens with chicken wire, said the oldster.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About half an hour later, Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch with three chickens entangled in the chicken wire.

The old man was shocked and couldnt believe his eyes.

A little later Johnny passed the old mans porch.

Whatcha got now, son?

Got me some duct tape.

And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? the old man asked.

Gonna catch me some ducks.

You cant catch ducks with duct tape, said the old man.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About half an hour later, back comes Johnny with three ducks tangled in the duct tape.

Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing the old mans porch.

Whatcha got now, son? asked the old codger.

Got me some pussy willow.

The old man said, Wait right there while I get my shoes!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Plums!
Plums who?
Plums me that well always be friends!