Old and New Jokes

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach.

The brunette says Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!



The blonde looks up in the sky and says,Where?

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, I wish you could talk.

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. You can understand what Im saying? asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

Well, did you see this?

Yes, motioned the monkey.

What happened?

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

They were drinking? asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What else?

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

They were smoking marijuana?

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What else?

The monkey motioned kissing.

They were kissing, too? asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

Now wait, youre saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What were you doing during all this?

Driving motioned the monkey.

486
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art
Any computer you cant afford.

Obsolete
Any computer you own.

Microsecond
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G4
Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.

Syntax Error
Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

Hard Drive
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced gooey)
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Keyboard
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

One day, President Clinton is with his body gaurd Bubba (Big black body gaurd), and they both go into a public bathroom to take a leak.

The President looks over and notices the size of Bubbas cock and asks him how he gets it so big!

So Bubba says that ever night he hits it against the bed post 12 times before he goes to bed. President Clinton cant believe this works, but Bubba assures him it will.

So that night, Hillary is sleeping soundly, and Bill goes up to the bed post and starts wacking it vigorously against the bed post.

Then Hillary wakes up and says Is that you Bubba?

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

When every line begins with a capital

Why did the dog cross the road?

It was the chickens day off.

God stood over Bill Gates and said, Well, Bill, Im really confused on this one. Its a tough decision…Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that Windows95, among other things. I believe Ill do something Ive never done before…

Ill let YOU decide where you want to go.

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked at God and replied, Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?

God said, Ill do better than that. Ill let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you want to visit first…Heaven or Hell?

Bill said, I think Ill try Hell first.

So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place…a bit warm…with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bills face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. This is great!, he thought. If this is Hell, then I cant wait to see Heaven.

Within a second of his thought, there was another flash of lightning and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high in the clouds where angels were drifting about playing on their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill cupped his hands, called out his decision to God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed and God decided to check up on Bill to see how he getting along in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

So…how is everything going?, God asked.

Bill responded in a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! Its NOTHING like the Hell I visited the first time! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to the other place… with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

That was the demo., replied God.

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.Im better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience. he replied.Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful? I asked in stunned disbelief.Well, I learned that my wife really loves me! You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying My husband is home! My husband is home!