Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bbs in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bbs came out."Suzy," Grandma said. "I know youve been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said Grandma, I went poo and there was bbs in it. "Jill, I know youve been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.Grandma something terrible has happenend, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!
Entra una chica en una biblioteca y le pregunta al bibliotecario:
Disculpe… ¿el libro Grandes mujeres de la historia?
Mmmm… ciencia ficción, en la estanterÃa del fondo.
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember psalm 129?
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, Father, remember psalm 129? Once again the priest apologized. Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
Q:What is a balince diet?
A:The same amont of cokies in each hand!
In Hg wells!
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. So, what is it? grumbled the governor. Judge Garber has just died said the attorney, and I want to take his place. The governor groggily replied: Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker.
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?
Sure, its easy. replied the neurosurgeon. All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and youll be a Newfie.
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeons knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patients brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patients brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patients bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him – Im terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.
The patient replied Quest-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, Havent I seen you somewhere before?
Yes, she replied in a loud voice, Im the receptionist at the V.D. clinic
Va la abuela con su nieto caminando a un costado del cerro Santa LucÃa en Santiago. La anciana, sin darse cuenta se tira un pedo tan fuerte que el niño escucha, y de inmediato pregunta:
Abuelita, ¿qué fue eso?
A la mujer lo único que se le ocurre decirle es que era el cañonazo de las 12:00 p.m. Pero un borracho por detrás protesta:
¡Oye, vieja pedorra, ponte el culo en hora, son recién las 11:30 a.m.!
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: Youve got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: That was a huge mistake, Frank. Youve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says:
Admit it, Frank, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?