Old and New Jokes

Pilarica, la novia de Manolo, platica con la novia de Venancio sobre relaciones sexuales:

Oye, maja, ¿tú haces el amor con condón?

¿Con don quién?

Manolo va por la calle con cara de preocupado, cuando se encuentra con un amigo.

Hola, ¿qué te pasa que estás tan serio?

¡Es que le he dejado a un tío 400.000 para que se hiciese la cirugía estética, y ahora no le reconozco!

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, Really? Even with all the fluctuations?

He said, Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, “he has a card up his sleeve” or “he has a dove in his pocket.” One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

Un tipo le dice a otro:

Ayer iba yo caminando con mi suegra y aparecieron 2 tipos, se le fueron encima y la golpeaban como animales.

¿Y tú que hiciste?

Pues me aparté, ¿qué más iba a hacer?

¿Y por qué no te metiste?

¡Ahhh no! ¡Sería un abuso pegarle entre los tres!

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick OReilly
wandered by.

Help! Paddy shouted, Oim sinkin!

Dont worry, assured Mick. Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oim the
strongest man in Erin, and Oill pull ye right out o there.

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddys hand and pulled and pulled to no
avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, Shure, an Oi
cant do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oill have to get
some help.

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called Mick! Mick! Dye think it will help
if I pull me feet out of the stirrups?

Llega un paciente al consultorio del Doctor de la localidad y le dice que quiere que le haga una revisión de rutina. Le dice el Doctor al paciente, Pase para allá atrás y desnúdese. El hombre se queda desconcertado y le contesta, Pero Doctor, sólo vengo a que me haga un chequeo ¿por qué tengo que desnudarme?

Y el Doctor un poco molesto le replica, Apúrese que tengo que dar más consulta.

Y vuelve a decir el paciente, Pero Doctor es sólo una revisión normal.

Total que el buen hombre se desnuda y le dice el doctor, Inclínese hacia adelante.

Y el paciente hacía lo que el médico le ordenaba y ya después de esto le dice otra vez el Doctor ¿Le duele la cabeza?

Y le contesta el pobre paciente, No Doctor no me duele.

Y el Doctor le dice, Pues ahí le va el resto…

What do you call an etheopian with an afro?

A microphone.

What do you call an etheopian with a big toe?

A golfclub.

What do you call an etheopian with a penny on its head?

A nail.

How many etheopians can you fit in a tub?

None. They all keep going down the drain.

What do you call an etheopian with three teeth missing?

A rake.

What you call your child when youre mad at him.

Q: Why do Lawyers smell?

A: So the blind can hate them, too!