Old and New Jokes

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what hes doing to which he replies, Im getting my date drunk.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Governments Law: There is an exception to all laws.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

1003. Two to hold the ladder, one to screw the light bulb into a faucet, and 1000 to flood the internet with rumors about the upcoming faucet-bulb feature in the next version of Windows.

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British. Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that hes in his brown suit. Shed specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; shed brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit hed been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit shed brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, But madam! Its only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We cant possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, Whos paying for this?

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how hed been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said, Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sy!
Sy who?
Sycho!

What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash, Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!

If the above doesnt help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, Thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, Cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So what happened thats so horrible?



Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.



Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.



Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So what happened then?



Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.



Man: and then?



Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.



Man: Again?



Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So, what did you do then?



Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.



Man: and then?



Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.



Man: Hmmm…



Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So, what did you do?



Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…..

A couple was taking classes before getting married and they reviewed the laws for couples. The rabbi put a lot of emphasis on staying away from mixed dancing parties. He claimed it to be a huge sin and to stay away.


A few sessions later they were learning about laws of family and sex. The groom asked, is all types of sex permitted? The rabbi replied some are questionable, he had to be specific. The groom asked, Is military position o.k.? the rabbi said, yes perfect.


How about woman on top?


Yes, fine replied the rabbi.


In a chair?


No problem. He answered.


Standing up?


The Rabbi got angry and said, No way, no how…it may lead to mixed dancing!