Old and New Jokes

Érase una pareja de campesinos que después de tanto añorar tener un hijo, al fin consiguieron su cometido: tuvieron un niño al que le llamaron Tiros.

Tiros creció como cualquier niño normal y, una vez alcanzada la mayoría de edad, se fue para la capital.

Después de algunos meses sin tener noticias de Tiros, el dueño de la tienda del pueblo, que había estado leyendo el periódico, llamó al padre de Tiros diciéndole:

Compadre, venga a ver esto, hay noticias de Tiros en el periódico.

El titular decía: TIROS EN LA UNIVERSIDAD.

El padre de Tiros se puso tan feliz que mató una lechona y celebraron por 3 días el orgullo de que su hijo estuviera en la universidad.

Paso algún tiempo y después volvió el compadre:

Compadre, noticias de Tiros: TIROS EN LA ASAMBLEA.

¡Oh amigo, mi hijo legislador, vamos a celebrar, yo sabia que ese muchacho llegaba lejos…! Y mataron una vaca.

Al tiempo volvieron a tener noticias de Tiros, pero esta vez el compadre le dijo:

¡Ay compadre, cómo siento tener que decirle esto! ¡Mejor léalo usted mismo, porque yo no tengo corazón para darle esa noticia tan triste!:

ESTUDIANTES Y POLICÍAS SE COGEN A TIROS.

My reality check bounced!

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the drivers side door with him standing right there.

NOOO! he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!! he exclaimed.

Youre a lawyer arent you? asked the policeman. Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?! the lawyer asked.

HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didnt even notice that your left arm is missing did you? the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, MY ROLEX!

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

You better C-sharp or youll B-flat.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: She liked kids…

In the early 1930s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

$10 for 3 minutes, replied the pilot. Thats too much, said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, Ill make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, youll have to pay $10.

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.

Maybe so, said the farmer, But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. Hes got spiked, multicolored hair thats green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 miles. Finally, the punker gets a little miffed and barks at the old man: What is with you? Didnt you ever do anything wild when you were young? Without missing a beat, the old man replies, I remember back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldnt control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son.

A man came into a restaurant and looked for a place to sit down, when he noticed
an old man sitting in front of a dish of soup. But the old man was not eating
it.

What a pity, thought the biker. This man is not eating his soup, but I am
hungry. Eating his soup will be a good idea and I wont have to pay for it.

He sat at the old mans table, arrogantly just took his soup and started eating
it. The old man did not react. When he was almost finished, he found a hairy
comb at the bottom of the dish. He immediately vomited the soup back into the
dish.

Thats strange, said the old man. Thats just as far as I got.

You might be a Redneck if…

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, The feud is back on!

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wifes hairdo attracts bees.

Your babys first words are Attention K-Mart shoppers.

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You picked your teeth from a catalog.

Youve ever financed a tattoo.