17
Dec

The Darwin Awards-1996 Nominees

[San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.

His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

]Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector DArcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said. Its one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected.

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.

Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctors coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

More intelligence-challenged people

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didnt realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2.later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnsons motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7: 50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

In case youve forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:

* James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a farm-type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft. [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]

* Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to move a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2×4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.

* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.

* In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldnt find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

17
Dec

Zen Buddhist Buys a Hotdog

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vender, Give me one with everything.

So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk.

The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door.

The Buddhist says, Wait, wheres my change?

The vender replies, Change must come from within.

16
Dec

Q: How many neural

Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

16
Dec

The Dress Of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: What are you doing naked?

The daughter responds: This is the dress of love.

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: What are you doing naked, woman?

She responds: This is the dress of love.

And he says to her: Well, go iron it first.

16
Dec

When the old golfer died,

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of
heaven. Sorry, old man, Peter said, But I cant let you in.
You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin
back in 1978 — You took the Lords name in vain during a golf game.

Oh, yes. Ill never forget that one, and Im terribly sorry Peter,
but I can explain…, the old golfer blithered.

Well, said Peter, Youll have to take it up with The Big Guy.

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to Gods
office. Weve got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain…

So, booms God, Youve been taking my name in vain.

Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!

OK. Try me, replied the Lord.

Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I
made it to the 18th hole, and Id win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the
tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind
shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind
this enormous oak tree…

And thats when you took my name in vain?

Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole…

So, that is when you took my name in vain?

No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the
hole…

Dont tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!

16
Dec

Safe Sex

Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?

16
Dec

Wrong way

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, Herman, Ijust heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way onRoute 280. Please be careful!Its not just ONE car, said Herman, Its hundreds of them!

16
Dec

What did one eye say to the other?

Dont look now, but something between us really smells.

15
Dec

Se van al infierno un

Se van al infierno un mujeriego, un borracho y un fumador. Al llegar son recibidos por el diablo, quien les dice:

No se preocupen, muchachos, aquí en el infierno todo es felicidad. Miren, para que vean que es cierto a ti mujeriego te voy a dar un dormitorio lleno de hermosas mujeres; a ti, borracho, te doy un dormitorio lleno de cajas de cerveza, y a ti, fumador, te doy una tonelada de cajetillas de cigarrillos y yo regreso dentro de 10 años a ver como se encuentran.

Se cumplieron los 10 años y el diablo regresó como había prometido, entonces abre la puerta del dormitorio del mujeriego y lo encuentra feliz y el mujeriego le dice: diablo dame más mujeres que éstas ya me han aburrido, y el diablo le da mas mujeres.

Luego va a ver al borracho y lo encuentra con las 2000 cajas de cervezas vacías, con una botella en mano. Entonces el borracho le dice: Hip… hip… Diablo, mándame más cerveza que me han quedado cortas, y el diablo le da más cerveza.

Por último va a ver al fumador y lo encuentra muy molesto y el diablo le pregunta: ¿qué pasa?, te veo molesto ¿por qué, si te he dado una tonelada de cigarrillos?

Y le responde el fumador:

¡Sí, pero te olvidaste de darme los fósforos!

15
Dec

Collection of Shuttle Jokes

[Ed: This is a collection of the better shuttle jokes, presented long after the
tragedy. You may well have heard of these. There are more, but Im not
posting them. As usual, do not send any extras to me, and since the
submitter asked to be anonymous, you cant send to him either. ]

SHUTTLE JOKES

Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed?
A: One blew left and one blew right.

Q: What were Christa McAuliffes last words?
A: Whats this button do?

Q: What were Christa McAuliffes last words to her husband?
A: You feed the kids – Ill feed the fish.

Q: What was the Shuttles last transmission?
A: I said BUD LITE!

Q: What does NASA stand for?
A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts
A2: Need Another Shuttle Also
A3: Chicken Kiev [Ed: Punchline to another joke.]

Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
A: They didnt know it was going to blow up.

Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Ocean Spray – It was their second choice because they couldnt
get 7-UP.

Q: When the next shuttle launches into space, what will the senior
controller say?
A: 72, 73, 74 BOOM! – Just kidding guys!

Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common?
A: They both should have stayed on the pad.

Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common?
A: Theyre all looking for a tight seal.

Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.

Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to
be a naval officer?
A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, theyll
have a rated officer onboard.

Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common.
A: They both went down on the challenger.

Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next
shuttle mission?
A: Shes going to be a substitute.