Is There a Santa Claus? A Rebuttal…
Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish study.
Flying reindeer: As is widely known due to the excellent historical documentary Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (a no-punches- pulled look at life in Santas village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer–obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.
Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches. Thus, Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.
Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you dont believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters–theyll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.
Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there is a significant number (on the order of several million) of one-child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled–and therefore disproportionately inclined toward being naughty–since its the holidays well be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single-child households from Santas delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.
Santas delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name Santa is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/
Insanity is hereditary. Parents get it from their kids.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But Im not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really – I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then youll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a frog!
Doc: So whats wrong with that?
I think Im going to croak!
Whats the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.
A Catholic boy and a Mormon boy are arguing about which is smarter. The Catholic boy suggests they go to his priest in the Catholic cathedral and ask him to help them resolve the problem.
Upon entering the cathedral, the Catholic boy tells the priest of their problem figuring out who was smarter – to which the priest quickly replied, Well, the Catholic boy is smarter, of course.
The Mormon boy wasnt convinced, so he asked the priest to prove it. So, the priest pointed up to the large wall in the cathedral where a huge cross with the crucifix stood – also with the two people crucified on either side of Him also on the wall.
The priest asked the Mormon boy who the man in the center was, to which he quickly replied, Thats Jesus on the cross – of course!
The priest nodded approvingly, then asked, now who is that on the right of Him? The Mormon boy didnt know.
Now who is that on His left? The Mormon boy didnt know that one either.
The smug priest now questioned the Catholic boy with the same questions – to which he answered all three correctly: Who is that in the center? – Jesus, of course! answered the catholic boy.
Who is that on the right? – That represents the Pope! said the boy.
Who is that on the left? – Thats the High Priest of the Catholic Church! answered the boy confidently.
The catholic priest turned and smiled confidently at the little Mormon boy and said, See? Its clear the Catholics are smarter…, to which the Mormon boy replied, Thats not fair! All we were taught was that Jesus was crucified between a liar and a thief!
A gentleman fellow was playing a leisurely round of golf one day, when he happened to shoot a hole in one. When he reached down to pluck his ball from the hole, a genie appeared and said she would grant him *ONE* wish.
He complained, saying that usually genies granted *THREE* wishes, not just one, but the genie would not give in. The man, not being well-endowed, wished for it to grow.
With a flash, the genie was gone.
Over the next few weeks, the mans dick did grow … and grow … and grow, until it reached his knees.
Amazed, and somewhat concerned, the man decided something must be done about it. He returned to the golf course and shot thousands of balls until he finally got another hole in one.
Once again the genie appeared and said, Hey, I remember you … what do you want this time? The man gazed down at himself and explained his dilemma to the genie.
So you want me to make it smaller? the genie asked.
Oh, no! the man said. I want you to make me taller.
Dos grandes amigos tomaban unas copas en un bar, cuando uno de ellos le manifiesta al otro:
FÃjate que he decidido suicidarme porque la vida me ha tratado muy mal.
No puedo creer que quieras matarte, pero respeto tu decisión.
Asà es, me voy a matar, aquà traigo una pistola para hacerlo, pero antes quiero pedirte un favor.
SÃ, claro, el que quieras, para eso son los amigos.
Una cosa me ha faltado probar en mi vida y es es el sexo con un hombre; quiero que me hagas el favor de metérmela, que al cabo nadie lo va a saber, yo ya me voy a matar y sé que tú no vas a decir nada.
No muy convencido, el amigo acepta. Se van a la parte trasera del bar y ahà le da duro por el culo a su amigo. Cuando terminan, regresan a la mesa en que estaban y le pregunta al futuro suicida:
¿Entonces qué, a qué hora te vas a matar?
¿Matar? ¿Yo? ¡¿Ahora que empiezo a vivir?!
Unos recién casados, en la noche de bodas, hacen el amor como locos; con frenesà durante toda la noche. En la mañana, como no habÃa nadie cerca, se zambullen, desnudos, en un rÃo cercano; el agua estaba muy frÃa. La muchacha observa a su marido y exclama:
“Oye, ¿con ése estuvimos toda la noche?â€
“¡SÃ, y casi nos lo acabamos!â€, responde el joven tiritando de frÃo.
Una pareja de enamorados. El hombre pregunta:
¿Es verdad que yo soy el primer hombre en tu vida?
Ella lo mira con atención y luego, asintiendo, responde:
Tal vez. ¡Con razón yo pensé que te habÃa visto en alguna parte!
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.