Old and New Jokes

Un día un tipo entra en una tienda y le dice al vendedor:

¿Cuanto cuesta este micro ondas Pillips?

A lo que el vendedor le contesta:

Es Filips, se escribe Phillips pero se pronuncia Filips, es la F en vez de la P y cuesta $350 dólares.

Entonces el tipo le contesta:

¡Futa! ¡Qué caro!

Q: Where would you find a committed man?

A: In a mental hospital.

When a man wants to believe something, it doesnt take much to
convince him.

This joke was told at a colloquium here by Dr. Steve Pinker of MIT. He
said it was an old Boston joke, so maybe youve heard it before.

This woman lands at Logan Airport in Boston. She gets her luggage and
jumps into a cab. She tells the cabbie, Take me to a place where I can
get scrod.

The cabbie turns around and says, Thats the first time Ive heard that
said in the pluperfect subjunctive.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of
his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video
of his wifes activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

I just cant believe this, the distraught husband said.

The detective said, Whats not to believe? Its right up there on the
screen!

The husband replied, I cant believe that my wife could be so much
fun!

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.

One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, Where did those flowers come from?

The other proctologist answered very cooly, How should I know. There wasnt any card!!

One day a man decided to geta tattoo on his penis, his wife asked

were have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The

wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
• Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offsprings homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit theyve intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we werent.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
• Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.
• How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 62% of us pop our zits.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 44% have broken a bone.
• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after theyve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 23.5% admit they dont always flush.
• 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while theyre using the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our hosts bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
• 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.
• The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
• 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldnt give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say were average-looking.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
• Only 4% asked the parents approval for their brides hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% proposed over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us dont wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 56% of women never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

From Harpers Index
Received from William Conway.

A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. Hes wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

The woman looks at him disgustedly. Jews like you, she hisses at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, I beg your pardon, madam?

She says, Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! Its Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

He says calmly, I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. Im Amish.

The woman looks back and smiles, How nice. Youve kept your customs.

Then there was the insomniac prowler who was convicted of resisting a rest…