Old and New Jokes

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that
God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal
was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary,
claimed that she had given birth to Gods only son last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to
Mary claim that she had loved God for a long time, that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God,
and that she was thrilled to have had his child.

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement
denial, saying that No sexual relationship existed, and
that the facts of this story will come out in time,
verily.

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a
brief with the Justice department to expand his
investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments
may have been broken, and whether God had illegally
funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives know only as the Wise Men.

Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are
rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics
have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in
order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beazulbubs investigation has already been
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of
locusts that plagued Gods political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the
cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away
from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of
public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest
group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these
allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to Gods career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for
wrongdoers.

Indeed, God recently outlined a tough-on-crime plan
consisting of a series of 10 Commandments, which has been
introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of
the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for
the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the Name in Vain Commandment as
being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully.

I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind of person owned buisnesses.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?

It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the companys need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Happy Holidays!

Santas Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, leaving the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

Thank God we werent on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might have been dead stated Wallis.

Ive been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how the accident happened, said Deputy Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pooles wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

So, did you jump? the father asked.

Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!

Is that when you jumped? asked the father.

Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.

Did you jump then? asked the father.

Im getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or hed kick my ass.

So, did you jump?

Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you gonna jump or not?

I said, No, sir. Im too scared.

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or Im sticking this little baby up your ass.

So, did you jump? asked the father.

Well, a little, at first.

All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.