Old and New Jokes

1. Only in America…… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America…… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America…… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America…… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America…… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America…… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America…… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America…… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America…… do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

10. Only in America…… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clintons practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.

A George Bush watch has no hands and says read my lips.
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.

A fin de someterse a un examen médico general, una superabundante chica acude a una clínica. El médico le ordena que se desvista por completo para proceder a realizarle un minucioso examen. Cuando termina, con el rostro afligido, el galeno le informa con solemnidad:

Señorita, lamento mucho tener que decirle algo.

¿Qué, doctor?, pregunta consternada la mujer.

Que se vista, dice con un profundo suspiro de resignación.

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. Theyre totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. Theyre moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: Theyre tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but dont
hear you when youre in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: Theyre tiny men in little fur coats

Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow Im jumping off the building. The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, Im going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says Im with you guys.
The next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, Turkey sandwich. I love my wife. The black guy opens his lunch. He says, Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said See ya guys. With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says I feel sorry for him. The white man replies, Why? The black guy said, Because he packs his own lunch.

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as
the plate was being passed he said…

Brothers and Sisters, I dont like to have to do this, but there is a
man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioners wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.

Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two
dollar bill with a note that read Forever hold your peace, Ill have
that other three dollars before sundown.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because he felt like it!!!

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isnt a problem.

What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number Explanation ———- ———–

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timecard

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

8101 Distributing humorous e-mails