A: A space invader.
10
Sep
10
Sep
A boy hadnt said a word for the first thirteen years of his life. One day at dinner he suddenly announced, This hamburger is cold.
His parents were shocked. Why did you wait so long to talk? they asked.
Well, he said, up until now, everythings been okay.
08
Sep
Una mujer va al ginecólogo y éste le pregunta:
¿Qué problema tiene señora?
El mÃo es un problema muy extraño y muy difÃcil de explicar. Resulta que cada vez que hago el amor con mi marido me sale una mancha gris en el coño que, curiosamente, se me quita cada vez que me ducho.
Pues sà que es raro lo suyo. La verdad es que nunca me habÃa enfrentado a un caso asÃ. Creo que la mejor forma para resolverlo es que venga usted mañana, después de haber hecho el amor con su marido, y le examine yo mismo la mancha de la que me habla.
Dicho y hecho, al otro dÃa la mujer se presenta en la consulta, y el ginecólogo comienza a examinarle la mancha.
Tras unos segundos de observación, el doctor le pregunta a la paciente:
¡Joder! Creo que ya se lo que le pasa. ¿Por casualidad no será su marido carpintero?
Pues sà doctor.
¡Pues dÃgale a su marido que cuando la coma el coño se quite el lápiz de la oreja!
08
Sep
08
Sep
How do you know when a blondes been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive.
07
Sep
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bernadette!
Bernadette who?
Bernadette ate all my dinner and now Im starving!
07
Sep
Top 10 reasons for being French:
1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay.
2. You own half the worlds perfume industry and still never use deodorant.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs.
4. If theres a war, you can surrender really early.
5. You dont have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other peoples countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.
8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.
9. You dont have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think youre a great lover even when youre not.
Top 10 reasons for being Italian:
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history… well, till about 400 AD.
5. You can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. You live near the Pope.
9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriends armpit hair.
10. Sicilian murderers run your country.
Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:
1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims its the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.
Top 10 reasons for being Indian:
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Bhuna.
10. Kingfisher Lager.
Top 10 reasons for being American:
1. You can have a woman President – without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.
5. If youve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You can call everyone youve ever met buddy.
10. You can think youre the greatest nation on earth when youre not at all.
Top 10 reasons for being English:
1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union Jack underpants.
6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine youre still a world power.
8. You can bathe once a week – whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto – changing underwear.
10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.
Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:
1. Youve got to be joking havent you?
Top 10 reasons for being Irish:
1. Guinness.
2. You have 18 children because you cant use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someones road.
4. Your pubs never close.
5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you cant have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. You kill people you dont agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Top 10 reasons for being Australian:
1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britains largest open prison.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Your tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.
10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:
1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.
2. Beer.
3. Rugby.
4.See above.
5. See above.
6. See above.
7. See above.
8. See above.
9. See above.
10. You get to hate everyone else… unless its their round.
07
Sep
If youre fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY???
The ice will crack up!
07
Sep
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He tells her, Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didnt want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!
A guy sitting nearby asked her, Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?
Why, yes, I do. How did you know?
Hickory dickory dock!
06
Sep
Cierto dÃa, el Pentágono decide jubilar a tres generales, que ya estaban muy entrados en años, proponiéndoles como contrapartida 100 mil dólares por cada metro que midiesen entre dos partes cualesquiera de sus cuerpos. Éstas fueron las medidas de cada uno:
El primer General decide que el examinador le tome las medidas desde la planta del pie hasta la parte superior de su cabeza. Después de medirle, el inspector le atribuye una cuantÃa de 183 mil dólares.
El segundo General decide estirar los brazos hacia los lados, manteniéndolos paralelos al suelo, y pide ser medido desde la punta del dedo medio de la mano derecha, hasta la punta del dedo medio de la mano izquierda. El interventor le mide y le atribuye una cuantÃa de 205 mil dólares.
Cuando llega el turno del tercer General, para asombro de todos, pide ser medido de la punta del pene hasta los testÃculos; los presentes responden con una sonora carcajada. El verificador intenta disuadirlo durante algunos minutos, pero al ver que el General se mantenÃa firme en sus propósitos, decide concederle su voluntad mandándole bajarse los calzoncillos. Coloca una punta de la cinta métrica en la extremidad del pene y entonces, cuando está comenzando a medir, exclama:
¡Pero dónde diablos están los testÃculos!
En Vietnam, responde el veterano tercer General.