Old and New Jokes

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Mutual Secret
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
Now, then …
Synthetic natural gas
Jumbo Shrimp
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance

And the Number One Top OXY-Moron

Microsoft Works

One day, Officer Bill is on duty, driving around in his cruiser, when he catches sight of a station wagon that appears to have about two dozen children in the back, all jumping up and down, and waving their arms.

Wondering what is going on, he pulls the guy over, and asks: What are all those kids doing in the back?

Oh, theyre not children, Officer, replies the driver, Theyre some penguins I found the other day. I dont know what to do with then so they have been living with me for the last few days.

Officer Bill is a bit surprised, but manages to come back with: You cant drive around with penguins in the back of your station wagon! I want you to take them to the zoo immediately.

So the guy turns around, and drives off towards the zoo.

Next day, Officer Bill is cruising again, and sees the same station wagon, and as he pulls up closer, he sees that the penguins are still in the back. So he pulls the driver over again and says:

Now, just a minute. I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.

The driver replies: But Officer, I did take them to the zoo. They had such a good time, Im taking them to the movies today.

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: hiss and hearse

(woo-hoo!…that was terrible! 🙂

Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Err. Nahh, its MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. Its a new fangled addition. Its been developed by, er, (etc…)

Pepito, de 5 años, observa a su hermano mayor Arturo, de 19 años, que después de pedir prestado a su padre el auto para esa noche se ponía una combinación deportiva de estreno, se perfumaba y se hacía meticulosamente la raya de su peinado.

Sospechando que se trataba de una aventura, Pepito se esconde en la parte trasera del auto y en absoluto silencio ve como Arturo va hasta una esquina donde le está esperando una bella joven y parte con ella hasta las afueras de la ciudad donde en una zona oscura detiene el vehículo e imperativamente le dice: ¿Sí o No?

La joven, sin pensarlo dos veces, le responde categóricamente: ¡No!, a lo que Arturo indignado le responde: Pues te bajas del auto y te vas caminando para tu casa.

Al día siguiente Pepito toma su triciclo y va a dar la acostumbrada vuelta a la manzana y al pasar frente a casa de Susanita la invita a que se monte en la parte de atrás, a lo que accede la niña y se para en la parte trasera poniendo sus manos sobre los hombros de Pepito.

Al doblar la esquina, Pepito detiene el triciclo y en forma imperativa pregunta a Susanita: ¿Sí o No?, a lo que Susanita rápidamente le resonde: ¡Sí!

Pepito se queda pensando y finalmente le dice a Susanita; Bueno, entonces sigue tú con el triciclo que yo me voy caminando para mi casa.

Están un sacerdote, un naturalista y un vaquero contemplando la majestuosidad del Cañón del Colorado, y dice el primero con expresión de asombro:

¡Qué maravillosa creación del Señor!

El segundo por su parte dice:

¡Qué portentosa obra de la naturaleza!

Y el vaquero:

¡Qué lugar tan jodido para perder una vaca!

An old man goes into the confessional and says to the priest, Father, Im 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice.

The priest said: Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?



Never Father, Im Jewish.



So then, why are you telling me?



Im telling everybody.

Neighbor 1: Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.

New Neighbor: Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.

Neighbor 1: So, what is it you do for a living?

New Neighbor: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Deductive reasoning, whats that?

New Neighbor: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.

Neighbor 1: Thats right.

New Neighbor: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: Right again.

New Neighbor: Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife.

Neighbor 1: Correct.

New Neighbor: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.

Neighbor 1: Yup.

New Neighbor: That is deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Cool.

Later that same day:

Neighbor 1: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.

Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?

Neighbor 1: Yes, and he has an interesting job.

Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah, what does he do?

Neighbor 1: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.

Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning, what is that?

Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?

Neighbor 2: No.

Neighbor 1: Fag!

I joined the Navy to see the world.

Ive seen it.

Now how do I get out?