La familia comÃa tranquilamente. De pronto, la hija de 10 añitos comenta tristemente: ¡Tengo una mala noticia…! ¡ya no soy virgen! y rompe a llorar notablemente alterada… con sus manos en la cara y cierto halo de vergüenza.
Un silencio sepulcral, hasta que entre los padres comienzan las recriminaciones mutuas… El padre arranca:
¡Tú, hija de puta! (señalando a su esposa). ¡Esto es por ser como eres! por andar de coqueta como puta barata… con cualquier imbécil que llega a casa. Claro, ese es el ejemplo que la niña tiene que ver todo el dÃa. O de ti (señalando a la hija mayor de 25) como andas manoséandote en el sofá y toqueteando al pendejo ese de arito y pelo largo, que hasta maricón debe ser. ¡Todo delante de la niña!
La madre no aguanta más y recrimina a todo grito:
AAaaaaaaHHHHHH, sÃ? ¡Y quién es el imbécil que se gasta medio sueldo en putas! y se despide de ellas en la puerta de la casa. ¡O es que tú piensas que la niña y yo somos ciegas, desgraciado! Además, qué ejemplo pude tener si desde que te compraste la televisión esa por cable, te la pasas viendo pelÃculas porno todo el fin de semana!
Desconsolada y al borde de un colapso, la madre con los ojos notablemente llorosos y con la boca temblorosa toma tiernamente las manos de su hija y en voz baja pregunta:
¿Pero cómo fue? ¿Te lo hicieron vaginal? anal? ¿te forzaron?
Y entre sollozos la niña le contesta:
¡No mami, lo que pasa es que la profesora me sacó del pesebre!
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Un dÃa, en un restaurante, una señora empezó a gritar de repente:
¡Auxilio…! ¡Mi hijo se ahoga…! ¡Se tragó una moneda y no puede respirar…!
Un fulano se levanta de su mesa, agarra al chiquillo de los güevos y les da un fuerte apretón. El chiquillo escupe inmediatamente la moneda.
El fulano regresa a su mesa y se sienta como si nada hubiera sucedido.
La mamá del niño, agradecida, se acerca a él y le dice:
¡Mil gracias señor, qué método tan efectivo…! ¿Es usted médico o trabaja en la Cruz Roja?
No, responde el hombre, Soy auditor de Hacienda. (Oficina de Recaudación de Impuestos)
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo got into a terrible argument.
I am the most beautiful person in the world, proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
No, youre not, said Quasimodo and Tom Thumb in unison.
I am the smallest person in the world, shouted Tom Thumb.
No, youre not, said Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo.
I am the ugliest person in the world, announced Quasimodo.
No, youre not, said Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
They decided they needed a mediator in order to get along. Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, was the ideal choice. Merlin summoned the trio to his palace, where he met with them individually.
Sleeping Beauty entered first and emerged just a moment later, beaming. I am the most beautiful person in the world. Merlin said so.
Tom Thumb was next. He returned just as quickly and declared, I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin said so.
Quasimodos turn came. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour. Finally, more than an hour later, he emerged, distraught. He muttered Who the hell is Janet Reno?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently cant read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:
Caller Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?
Tech Yes how can I help you?
Caller The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?
Tech Excuse, youve stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?
Caller It came with the computer, I dont know of any promotion.
Tech Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?
Caller Yes, it says 4X!
Posted in Computer |
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.
Bill says: Lets do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver. They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
Posted in Political |
What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?
You just have to remember one thing…
Dont look down!!
Posted in Tasteless |
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wont
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. First, you must wear a
diaphragm. Cinderella agrees. Whats the second condition?
You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin. Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesnt show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,
Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. Where
have you been? demands the fairygodmother. Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!
I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.
I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!
I cant remember, exactly …Peter Peter,something or other….
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A WOMENS PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men arent affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why dont men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show hes planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns dont talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks hes Gods gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
Theyre hard to get started, emit foul odors, and dont work half the time.
Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when its getting interesting, theyre finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts dont have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
Whats the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
Theyre both empty from the neck up.
A MANS PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows its all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
Their target audience is women.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A mute nymphomanic 8 year old girlfriend.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
Penis envy.
Why do women have mid-life crises?
Because Phil and Oprah say theyre supposed to.
How does a woman show shes planning for the future?
Plastic Surgury.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Sex, stupid.
What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks shes Gods gift?
Trade her in for two 20 year olds.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Because theyre so rare.
Whats the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks.
Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera?
Cause its the same tired old plot, year in and year out.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Theyre trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women
Whats the difference between men and government bonds?
None, theyre both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who dont understand them.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word dog in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix dog.
Steven raised his hand and said, Sure, Miss Jones, a collie-flower!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Why was the million man march so successful?
Only two people had to get off work.
Posted in Ethnic |