Old and New Jokes

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dont know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayers money, and Im sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

One million dollars, the engineer answered. And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

Two millions dollars, the doctor said. I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, You give me three million, Ill give you one million, Ill keep a million, and well send the engineer.

A woman to show him how to use it!

A woman and man are involved in a car accident; its a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says. So youre a man; thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

The man replied, I agree with you completely.

This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, And look at this, heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

She then hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, Arent you having any?

The woman replies, No. I think Ill just wait for the police…

Heard about the Polish hockey team?

They all drowned in spring training.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a King summoned two of
his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two
slots in the top, a control knob and a lever.

What do you think it is, he asked.

One advisor, an Engineer, answered first. It is a toaster, he said.

The King then asked, How would you design an embedded computer for it?

The Engineer replied, Using a four-bit microcontroller. I would write a
simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to
one of sixteen shades of darkness: from snow white to coal black. The
program would use that darkness level as the index to a sixteen-element
table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements
and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the
end of the timer delay it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast.
Come back next week, and Ill show you a working prototype.

The second advisor, a Computer Scientist, immediately realised the danger
of such short sighted thinking. Toasters dont just turn bread into
toast, he began, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see
before you is really a breakfast cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom
become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will
need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon and
scramble eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon become obsolete.
If we dont look to the future, we will have to completely redesign it in a
few years.

With this in mind, he continued, we can formulate a more intelligent
solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods.
Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The
specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast,
muffins, pancakes and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon;
poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried
eggs and various omelet classes.

The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must
inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus, we
can see how the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple
inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and
send a message to the object that says Cook yourself. The semantics of
the message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so it has a different
meaning to a piece of toast than to a scrambled egg.

Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed
that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the
design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically,
we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course,
users dont want their eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so
concurrent processing is needed, too.

We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food
lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users wont buy the
product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the
breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the
screen. Users click on it, and the message BOOTING UNIX v8.3 appears on
the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time this product goes to
market.) Using a mouse they can pull down a menu and select which foods
they want to cook.

Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for
the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8Mb of RAM, a 30Mb hard disc
and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking,
object-oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a
built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap.

The Computer Scientist looked scornfully at the Engineer. Imagine the
difficulty we would have had if wed foolishly allowed a hardware-first
design strategy to lock us into a four bit microcontroller!

Needless to say, the King had the Computer Scientist beheaded and they all
lived happily ever after.

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurers the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence.

The farmer responded, No way in hell could I do that!!

The attornery asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.

Well sir, the farmer began, I was out in the barn milking ole Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry.

Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor…

Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and boots, my wife walked into the barn!!

No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence!

The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym. He ambled over and said, Hey babe. What do you say to a little private traing session?

She replied, What do you have in mind?

He stared at her crotch and said, I feel like working on the snatch.

She retorted, I think you should head for the showers.

Why?

She pointed at his crotch and said, Youll have to settle for the clean and jerk.

You might be a redneck if…
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, thats a really fancy watch.” “Thanks, says the guy, “Its the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and itll answer me, telepathically.” “Rubbish, youre having me on,” says the girl. “No, its true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, Ill prove it. Ill ask it if youve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you havent got any panties on.” “Well, its wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.” ”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “its an hour fast!”