Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bernadette!
Bernadette who?
Bernadette ate all my dinner and now Im starving!
07
Sep
07
Sep
Top 10 reasons for being French:
1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay.
2. You own half the worlds perfume industry and still never use deodorant.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs legs.
4. If theres a war, you can surrender really early.
5. You dont have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other peoples countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.
8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.
9. You dont have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think youre a great lover even when youre not.
Top 10 reasons for being Italian:
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history… well, till about 400 AD.
5. You can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. You live near the Pope.
9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriends armpit hair.
10. Sicilian murderers run your country.
Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:
1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims its the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.
Top 10 reasons for being Indian:
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Bhuna.
10. Kingfisher Lager.
Top 10 reasons for being American:
1. You can have a woman President – without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.
5. If youve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You can call everyone youve ever met buddy.
10. You can think youre the greatest nation on earth when youre not at all.
Top 10 reasons for being English:
1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union Jack underpants.
6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine youre still a world power.
8. You can bathe once a week – whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto – changing underwear.
10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.
Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:
1. Youve got to be joking havent you?
Top 10 reasons for being Irish:
1. Guinness.
2. You have 18 children because you cant use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someones road.
4. Your pubs never close.
5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you cant have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. You kill people you dont agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Top 10 reasons for being Australian:
1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britains largest open prison.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Your tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.
10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:
1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.
2. Beer.
3. Rugby.
4.See above.
5. See above.
6. See above.
7. See above.
8. See above.
9. See above.
10. You get to hate everyone else… unless its their round.
07
Sep
If youre fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY???
The ice will crack up!
07
Sep
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He tells her, Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didnt want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!
A guy sitting nearby asked her, Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?
Why, yes, I do. How did you know?
Hickory dickory dock!
06
Sep
Cierto dÃa, el Pentágono decide jubilar a tres generales, que ya estaban muy entrados en años, proponiéndoles como contrapartida 100 mil dólares por cada metro que midiesen entre dos partes cualesquiera de sus cuerpos. Éstas fueron las medidas de cada uno:
El primer General decide que el examinador le tome las medidas desde la planta del pie hasta la parte superior de su cabeza. Después de medirle, el inspector le atribuye una cuantÃa de 183 mil dólares.
El segundo General decide estirar los brazos hacia los lados, manteniéndolos paralelos al suelo, y pide ser medido desde la punta del dedo medio de la mano derecha, hasta la punta del dedo medio de la mano izquierda. El interventor le mide y le atribuye una cuantÃa de 205 mil dólares.
Cuando llega el turno del tercer General, para asombro de todos, pide ser medido de la punta del pene hasta los testÃculos; los presentes responden con una sonora carcajada. El verificador intenta disuadirlo durante algunos minutos, pero al ver que el General se mantenÃa firme en sus propósitos, decide concederle su voluntad mandándole bajarse los calzoncillos. Coloca una punta de la cinta métrica en la extremidad del pene y entonces, cuando está comenzando a medir, exclama:
¡Pero dónde diablos están los testÃculos!
En Vietnam, responde el veterano tercer General.
06
Sep
La familia comÃa tranquilamente. De pronto, la hija de 10 añitos comenta tristemente: ¡Tengo una mala noticia…! ¡ya no soy virgen! y rompe a llorar notablemente alterada… con sus manos en la cara y cierto halo de vergüenza.
Un silencio sepulcral, hasta que entre los padres comienzan las recriminaciones mutuas… El padre arranca:
¡Tú, hija de puta! (señalando a su esposa). ¡Esto es por ser como eres! por andar de coqueta como puta barata… con cualquier imbécil que llega a casa. Claro, ese es el ejemplo que la niña tiene que ver todo el dÃa. O de ti (señalando a la hija mayor de 25) como andas manoséandote en el sofá y toqueteando al pendejo ese de arito y pelo largo, que hasta maricón debe ser. ¡Todo delante de la niña!
La madre no aguanta más y recrimina a todo grito:
AAaaaaaaHHHHHH, sÃ? ¡Y quién es el imbécil que se gasta medio sueldo en putas! y se despide de ellas en la puerta de la casa. ¡O es que tú piensas que la niña y yo somos ciegas, desgraciado! Además, qué ejemplo pude tener si desde que te compraste la televisión esa por cable, te la pasas viendo pelÃculas porno todo el fin de semana!
Desconsolada y al borde de un colapso, la madre con los ojos notablemente llorosos y con la boca temblorosa toma tiernamente las manos de su hija y en voz baja pregunta:
¿Pero cómo fue? ¿Te lo hicieron vaginal? anal? ¿te forzaron?
Y entre sollozos la niña le contesta:
¡No mami, lo que pasa es que la profesora me sacó del pesebre!
06
Sep
Un dÃa, en un restaurante, una señora empezó a gritar de repente:
¡Auxilio…! ¡Mi hijo se ahoga…! ¡Se tragó una moneda y no puede respirar…!
Un fulano se levanta de su mesa, agarra al chiquillo de los güevos y les da un fuerte apretón. El chiquillo escupe inmediatamente la moneda.
El fulano regresa a su mesa y se sienta como si nada hubiera sucedido.
La mamá del niño, agradecida, se acerca a él y le dice:
¡Mil gracias señor, qué método tan efectivo…! ¿Es usted médico o trabaja en la Cruz Roja?
No, responde el hombre, Soy auditor de Hacienda. (Oficina de Recaudación de Impuestos)
06
Sep
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo got into a terrible argument.
I am the most beautiful person in the world, proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
No, youre not, said Quasimodo and Tom Thumb in unison.
I am the smallest person in the world, shouted Tom Thumb.
No, youre not, said Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo.
I am the ugliest person in the world, announced Quasimodo.
No, youre not, said Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
They decided they needed a mediator in order to get along. Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, was the ideal choice. Merlin summoned the trio to his palace, where he met with them individually.
Sleeping Beauty entered first and emerged just a moment later, beaming. I am the most beautiful person in the world. Merlin said so.
Tom Thumb was next. He returned just as quickly and declared, I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin said so.
Quasimodos turn came. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour. Finally, more than an hour later, he emerged, distraught. He muttered Who the hell is Janet Reno?
06
Sep
Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently cant read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:
Caller Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?
Tech Yes how can I help you?
Caller The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?
Tech Excuse, youve stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?
Caller It came with the computer, I dont know of any promotion.
Tech Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?
Caller Yes, it says 4X!
05
Sep
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.
Bill says: Lets do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver. They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.