Old and New Jokes

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!

Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One to screw it in and four to stand back and say, “That looks faabulous.”

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?

Yes, we have, your honor, The foreman responded.

Would you please pass it to me, The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, Please read your verdict to the court.

We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery. stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The mans attorney turns to his client and asks, So, what do you think about that?

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, Im real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock go off when it begins ringing?

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

Dogs tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
Its yellow, not white — Ive been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree?  Thats my fragrance.
Its a sign for wandring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, its my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then Ill lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know its mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.

When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes
have had something dreadful happen to them.. Eeek! says she.
Oh, I used to have toe-lio, says he. You mean polio? No,
toe-lio. So they continue.

When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten
with sledge hammers. Eeek! says she. Oh, I used to have the
knee-sles, says he. You mean measles? No, knee-sles. Still
undaunted, they continue.

When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, Dont tell
me! Small-cocks!

You answer to The Man.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

79. Burn incense.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.