Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isnt a
western.
19
Jul
19
Jul
What is long, black, and smelly?
– The unemployment line.
19
Jul
A friend of mine told me this one the other day…
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has
come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When
the chicken sees that it has the librarians attention, it squawks, Book,
book, book, BOOK!
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the
chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts
the previous days pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, Book,
book, book, BOOK!
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these
books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken
disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who
squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), Book, book, book, BOOK!
By now, the librarians curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets
a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the
library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several
blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small
grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees
is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The
librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small
frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian
comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, Read it, read it,
read it…
19
Jul
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. The man took the gun, hesitated, and said Sorry, I cant do it.
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. Sorry, he said.
The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!
19
Jul
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. Whats your name? he asked the new guy.
Andy, the new guy replied.
Now, look, the manager scowled, I dont know what kind of unprofessional place you worked in before, but I dont call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only–Smith, Turner, Baker–thats all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Stott. So now that we got that straight, what is your last name?
The new guy sighed, Darling. My name is Andy Darling.
Okay, Andy, now the next thing I want to tell you is…
19
Jul
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
Listen to this, he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. It says Im energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.
Yeah, his wife nodded, and it has your weight wrong, too!
18
Jul
Mario the mafioso gave his son Tony a handgun for his 13th birthday. The next week, when Mario asked to see the gun, Tony proudly showed him a new watch that he had traded the gun for.
Mario was quite upset and said to Tony: So, Tony, when you get married and someday come home and catch your wife in bed with another man, whatchu gonna do – look at your watch and ask How long you gonna be?
18
Jul
Q: What do you call throwing all the lawyers in the ocean?
A: A good start.
18
Jul
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, Id give anything to sink this next putt.
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, Would you give up a 1/4 of your sex life?
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but Hey! perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and so he says, OK.
And he sinks the putt!
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.
The same stranger moves to his side and says, Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?
The golfer shrugs and says, Sure.
And he makes an eagle!
Down to the final hole, and the golfer needs yet another eagle to have his best score ever! Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to make this putt?
The golfer says, Absolutely! I most certainly would!
And he makes the eagle!
As the golfer happily walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, You know, Ive really not been fair with you because you dont know who I am. Im the devil! And I will hold you to your word, and from now on you will have no sex life.
Nice to meet you, says the golfer. My names Father OMalley.
18
Jul
Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other, My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.
How does he know this for sure though? asked the other woman.
Because besides being my husband who thinks hes always right, hes also an asshole himself.