Library Fun! 42-83 Part 2

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.44. Put down your book, then say, “Hey, ya wanna trade?”45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, “IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!! IT’S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!”46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, “I know what you did last summer.”47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you’re out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.49. Start singing “This is the song that never ends. . .”50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, “I took singing lessons!”52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, “Hey! How ya doin’? That’s great, me too.”53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, “I have mail!!”55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, “I measure sock by thickness!”56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.57. State proudly that you have been to the ‘other’ side. Give no explanation.58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get

Cherry on top!

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. Gee, said the first old codger. Id love an ice cream right now. Would you like me to get you one? asked the second old bloke. Are you joking? the first old fart snapped back. Youd forget my order straight away. No I wouldnt, replied the second. All right, then, said his mate. I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top. The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, I knew I shouldve gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!

Population problem in heaven.

Poza publicata in [ Religious ]

One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. How many wise men were there? St. Peter asks the first man. Three. He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.How long did the flood last? St. Peter asks the second man. Forty days and forty nights. He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?The man thinks and thinks, but cant come up with an answer. Boy, thats a hard one, he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

Its a business

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech
impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and finally
asks him to drop his pants.


Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem
to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted
up to the neck area.


The patient then asks, wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i-
t? to which the doctor replies, modern surgery can work miracles. We can
replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear
right after the operation.


The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering
disappears.


About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, doctor, I
am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick,
and rather than lose her Ive decided to get my old dick back and live with
stuttering for the rest of my life. The doctor then looks straight at the man
and replies, d-d- de-deals a d-d-deal.

Playing tricks at traditional feast

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sisters house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven.

When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

All You Can Drink

Poza publicata in [ Bar ]

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."

Unmarried In BMW

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?

A: Divorcee.

Think of the team from a few years ago

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Heard on CBC Radio Prime Time:

Why wont the NHL let Hamilton have a hockey franchise?

Because then Toronto would want one too.

Dumb Jew

Poza publicata in [ Jewish ]

A Jew and a Christian are being chased by the cops


the Christian driver asks the Jew if the cops are still after them.



The Jew asks how do i know?



Christian: are there bright lights on a car behind us?



Jew: yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.

Throwing Stuff Down A Mineshaft

Poza publicata in [ Animal ]

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?""I dunno," said the second. "Lets find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didnt hear it hit bottom."Hmm. Lets try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didnt hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if theyd seen a goat."Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole.""Oh, well then it couldnt have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."