Old and New Jokes

Put some music in front of him.

Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroys homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. 1. Hotel –
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody. 2. Dictate –
My girlfriend say my dictate good. 3. Catacomb –
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb. 4. Foreclose –
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. 5. Rectum –
I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both. 6. Disappointment –
My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint. 7. Penis –
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis. 8. Israel –
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, man, it look fake. He say, *beep* that watch israel. 9 . Undermine –
Theres a fine lookin ho living in the apartment undermine. 10. Acoustic –
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the poolhall. 11. Iraq –
When we got to the poolhall, I tol my uncle; iraq, you break. 12 . Stain –
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, ! Do you plan on stain for dinner? 13. Fortify –
I axed this ho on da street, how much? she say fortify. 14. Income –
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. This house is yours for eternity, Bobby, said God. This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo. Bobby looked at God and said God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me? God chuckled, and said Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!

A businessman approached the elevator in his office building and found a blonde sitting on the floor next to the elevator doors, crying. When he inquired what was wrong, she replied my remote wont open the doors, I cant get out!. He looked down to see her holding her cars remote door opener in her hand!

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, medium.

Then the waiter said, how about your vegetable? Hillary replied, Oh, he can order for himself.

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

Un hombre de campo que se fue a trabajar a la ciudad, envió un telegrama a su esposa con el siguiente texto:

‘Cama lista, pierna abierta’.

La esposa, al leer el telegrama, se llenó de emoción, así que corrió a su cuarto, alistó la cama, se puso la bata más sexy que encontró y se preparó para esperar a su marido. De pronto, se abre la puerta y entra el marido. El tipo, asombrado, exclama:

“¡Mujer! ¿Qué te pasa? ¿Recibiste el telegrama? ¿No ves que tengo la pierna abierta? ¡Tuve un accidente!”

Llegó una vez un enano a la peluquería. Faltando poco para terminar, el peluquero le dice:

Señor, ¿le corto las patillas?

Y el enano enfurecido le responde:

¿Y en qué me voy?, ¿en las huevillas?

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.



St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, I dont know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves.



The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesnt work out? they wonder, Are we stuck together forever?



St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informs the couple, You can get married in Heaven.



Great, says the couple, but what if things dont work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?



St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!



Whats wrong? exclaims the frightened couple.



Come on! St. Peter exclaims, It took me three months to find a priest up here!



Do you have any idea how long its going to take for me to find a lawyer!?

The last words of a chemist:

22. Something is wrong here…

23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?

24. Trust me – I know what I am doing.

25. And now a cigarette…

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTOs Land
Operations/Simulation division.

Theyve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In
particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopters position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time theyve gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get down and dirty with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively… then gape
as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at
forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding… and Americans
leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie
wildlife…

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos
like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place…