Old and New Jokes

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

I would like a loan of £30,000 please. he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. Thirty thousand pounds? Thats a lot of money, you know. says Paddy, Youll need a collateral for that amount of money.

Thats okay, says the frog, I have this. And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. Whats this? I cant accept this as collateral. Dont worry, says the frog, I know the manager, hes a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the managers office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says Theres a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30,

000… he gave this as collateral… what on earth is it?

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says… Its a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a Rolling Stone.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, What the heck is going on?The drunk, still staring down, replied: I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

What are the only two kinds of men?

Studs and duds.

How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Alimony:

1) A contraction of the term all-his-money.

2) A splitting headache.

3) Its the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.

4) Paying for something you dont get.

5) Thats the same as buying corn for somebody elses cow.

6) The high cost of leaving.

7) The last laugh.

8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husbands checkbook.

9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.

10) A womans cash surrender value.

11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One whos alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

Young lad on knee of a department-store Santa: Please notice one thing – Im adequately clothed.

At the Mall with their Mother, upon hearing Santa Claus is Coming to Town, a little boy said to his sister, Listen Jean! Theyre playing our song.

A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: And I want to thank you for all the presents you have sent in the past, as well as all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas.

A blank survey form was recently crossposted to several newsgroups which
cater to people who communicate via long distance by use of the net (muds,
irc, email, usenet, etc). It was made for email replies but Tony Quirke
posted his hilarious follow-up back to the net. I figured others might also
find this amusing so Im submitting it here with Tonys permission:

Re: A survey about LD relationships [rec.humor.funny]
Re: A survey about LD relationships

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works — with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it.
At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand.
A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows. At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary.
In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

Thanx to William Conway.