Two. You took TWO

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

*Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?



*Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with…



*If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.



*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!



*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.



*A.A.A.A.A. – An organization for drunks who drive.



*It said Insert disk #3, but only two will fit.



*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?



* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.



*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.



*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!



*Grow your own Dope – Plant a Politician.



*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.



*The buck doesnt even slow down here!



*Dont assume malice for what stupidity can explain.



*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.



*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!



*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.



*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.



*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!



*Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.



*Nothings impossible for those who dont have to do it.



*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.



*Dont worry: the answers at the back of the book.



*We do precision guesswork.



*My life has a superb cast, but I cant figure out the plot.



*Oh what a tangled web we weave – Hair Club for Men.



*A penny saved is a government oversight.



*Shin – Device for finding furniture in the dark.



*Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

For Chocolate Lovers:

If youve got melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge off your appetite and youll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isnt that handy?

If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are when the English man says, You know, my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week and she bought $300 worth of meat, but we dont even have a freezer.

The Scotsman says, Thats nothing. My wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she cant even drive.

The Irishman says, You think thats stupid? I went home last week and my wife told me that shed booked herself a two week holiday in the Caribbean. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesnt even have a penis…

Two men see a beatiful women,seen there are two of them and one women they decide to let he decide.So the first man goes up and says Hey sweety how who you like to taste my candy The women replied in a remarkable tone I dont eat peanuts!

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the Professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that it is necessary that you dont get disgusted.

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people.

How do you get a hundred cows in a barn? You hang up a bingo sign!

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

• Day 1: The 10 Deadliest Snakes Fall Tour

  You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the worlds 10 most deadly snakes.

• Day 2: The Great White Encounter

  You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.

• Day 3: The Aboriginal Festival of Spears

  You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

• Day 4: The Crocodile Dundee Petting Zoo

  You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless saltwater crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

• Day 5: Those Marvelous Morays

  This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We hope you will enjoy your trip!

Your loyal employees.