Old and New Jokes

A drunk man walks into a bar and says, Im gonna take a dump on all of you except for…you! Why me? Because Im gonna wipe my ass with you!

Llegan unos niños a casa de Pepito y tocan la puerta. Abre la mamá y uno de los niños le dice:

Señora, ¿puede salir Pepito a jugar base-ball con nosotros?

La madre hace un gesto de dolor y les responde:

¡Pero ustedes saben que Pepito nació sin manos y sin pies!

Por eso señora… le dice el niño, ¡lo queremos para almohadilla de segunda base!

Una niña le hace la parada a un camión de transporte urbano y le pregunta al chofer:

¿Disculpe, va para el zoológico?

Así es.

¡Que se diviertan!

Pepito ve a su anciana vecina caminar por la calle y exclama:

¡Ah, pero usted tiene dos pies, doña Rufina!

¡Claro que sí, Pepito! ¿Y a qué viene esta observación?

Es que mi papá me dijo que usted tenía un pie en el otro mundo.

En plena borrachera un borracho le dice a otro:

¿En qué se parece una hormiga a un elefante?

El otro le responde: No sé.

En que hormiga se escribe con H.

¿Pero elefante que tiene que ver si elefante no lleva H?

Sí lleva H.

No lleva.

Sí lleva.

¿Y por qué lleva H?

Porque el elefante se llama Humberto.

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back?

I think therefore I am (not a Democrat…)

Why wasnt Jesus born in Italy?

– They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin!

Yo mama so dumb she took a fishing rod down the frozen food aisle.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what shed like to have for her Birthday. Id like
to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonalds where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear,
what was it like being six again??Her eyes slowly opened and her
expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.