Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lime!
Lime who?
Lime bean!

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didnt wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you dont fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore? ….

….So, here we are!

Pepillo tenía hongos en los pies y un amigo le dijo que él sabía como quitárselos; sólo tenía que ir a cuatro casas y tocar, y cuando le preguntaran ¿quién es? decirles hongos en los pies y así los hongos se les pasarían a los que vivían en esas casas y se le quitarían a él.

Así que Pepillo va a la primera casa y toca y cuando preguntan ¿quién es? responde hongos en los pies y sale corriendo a madres. Luego va a su segunda casa y toca y preguntan ¿quién es? hongos en los pies y así hasta completar las cuatro. Y cuando ya está de regreso en su casa se quita el zapato y el calcetín y ve que ya no tiene hongos en los pies.

En eso tocan a la puerta de su casa y pensando que le puedan hacer lo mismo, dice: ¿Qué rollo?

Y le responden: Almorranas en el hoyo.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.



Would you mind telling me, Doctor, she asked, how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?



Thats easy, he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.



What sort of question would you ask Doctor?



Well, you might ask them…

Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?



The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –

You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I dont know much about history.

(DOH!)

A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop. The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says I knew you couldnt do it. The man replies, You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing.

Twas the night before Christmas,



and God it was neat







The kids were both gone,



and my wife was in heat







The doors were all bolted,



and the phone off the hook







It was time for some nooky,



by hook or by crook.







Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude



Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube







When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,



That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.







Up to the window I sprang like an elf,



Tore back the shade while she played with herself.







The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,



Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.







When what to my wondering eyes should appear,



But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.







With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,



A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.







Sure as Im speaking, he was as high as a kite.



And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.







Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,



whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,



Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.







Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,



Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.







They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,



Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.







And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,



As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.







I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,



When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.







His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,



He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.







That was some brothel, he said with a smile,



The reindeer are pooped,



and Ill just stay here awhile.







He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,



Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.







I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,



The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.







Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,



But his toys were all gone,



and some new things were packed.







The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,



The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.







A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,



And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.







A bra without nipples, a penis extension,



And several other things that



I shouldnt even mention.







A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,



A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.







This suff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,



So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.







He filled every stocking and then took his leave,



With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.







He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,



Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.







In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,



Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a bitch!







The sleigh was near gone when we



heard Santa shout,



The best thing about sex is that it



never wears out!

Dont make a fool out of me – Im doing OK by myself!

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? More importantly, how did she get out of the kitchen?

It seems an old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until well into the night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with the old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind hooves, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement. But, when a man mourner apporoached him, he would listen for minute and then shake his head in disagreement. This pattern was so consistent, that the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So when everyone had left the gravesite, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so Id nod my head in agreement.

And what about the men? The minister asked.

Well, they all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law? Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.