Old and New Jokes

A woman walks in a bathroom and sees a little indian in the toilet. So she asks him, Who are you? and he says back, Im an Indian so she asks again How long have you been in there? he says back, Many moons.

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which lived there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost I mean no harm – I just want your photograph. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So whats the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night.

There was this Sheik in the desert who was a very cruel man, but had a sporting nature. Once when he had condemned a prisoner to die, he changed his mind and gave the man a chance to go free.

He explained to the prisoner that he must conquer three challenges to be given his freedom.

He said they are contained in these three tents you see before you. You must drink all the Arabian wine you find in the first tent. In the second tent you must remove an absessed tooth from a saber tooth tiger with your bare hands.

If you survive that, you must then satisfy the romantic wishes of a beautiful princess in the third tent. Should you complete these tasks, you shall go free with my blessing and the princess as your bride.

The prisoner was eager to start and entered the first tent and soon singing and breaking bottles and jars were heard.

After some time, the prisoner stumbled from the first tent into the second and the singing became yelling and snarling. The tent was shaking and things hit the sides.

After a few moments the man fell through the door covered in blood and his clothes ripped to shreds. The tigers roars urged him to his feet.

He looked dazed and confused and drunk. He shouted to the Sheik: Where is that lady with the absessed tooth?

Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The dim bulbs arent changed, they are humanely euthanized.

The Judge said to the defendant. I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.

Your Honor, the criminal said, thats what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldnt listen.

IBM: You can buy better, but you cant pay more.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one thats so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it?.

She replied, You may select any prize from the bottom self.

The lawyers son wanted to follow in his fathers footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his fathers firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his fathers office, and said, Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that youve been working on for ten years!

His father responded: You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!

Un hombre se muere y se va al cielo. Se la pasa rezando ave marías, padres nuestros y cantando a los angeles…

Un día mira hacia abajo y ve el infierno… y mira una mujeres desnudas buenísimas bailando, tomando, en gran farra, divertidísimo…

Habla con San Pedro y pide que le mande al infierno… y para allá va derechito.

Ni bien llega, le echan lava hirviendo, le pegan con cadenas, le bañan en mierda, todo…

Va donde el Diablo y le dice que, ¿Qué pasó? Yo vi mujeres hermosas desnudas bailando y tomando…

El Diablo contesta, ¡Ah! Ese es nuestro departamento de marketing.