Old and New Jokes

En México, la pereza (fiaca, flojera, gandulería, indolencia) es conocida como hueva, y el que la cultiva huevón.

Reflexiones médicas y físico – matemáticas sobre la hueva

La hueva no se crea ni se destruye solo se transmite.

La hueva es una energía que no se transforma en trabajo, pero el trabajo si se transforma en hueva.

La hueva es inversamente proporcional al trabajo y directamente proporcional a todo lo demás.

La hueva produce calor y viceversa.

La hueva siempre es absoluta, jamás es relativa.

La hueva no tiene limite.

La hueva es asintomática.

La hueva es no-decreciente.

La hueva en un grupo de personas tiende al equilibrio.

La hueva es una enfermedad contagiosa y progresiva, pero nadie se ha muerto de hueva.

La hueva siempre produce más hueva y se reproduce exponencialmente.

La hueva nace, crece, se reproduce, pero no muere: es eterna, atemporal y adimensional.

El día de la semana dedicada a la hueva es el hueves.

Por cierto, ya me dio hueva.

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen
old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his
pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a
while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit
embarrassed, he said to the lady, Its all right maam, theyre just
golf balls.

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?

When I die, I cant decide if I want to go to heaven for the weather,
or to hell for the company.

They hadnt been married very long until the husband realized his wife wasnt very interested in having sex.

He checked with his doctor to see if he could come up with something to really turn her on. He gave him a small vial of liquid and said, Put a few drops of this into her coffee in the evening and by midnight she is really going to want you.

After dinner
that evening, she went into the kitchen for a few minutes and he put a few drops into her coffee. Might as well put some in mine too, he thought to himself.

Later, they went to bed and at precisely midnight his wife sat straight up in bed and screamed, I want a man!

Whereupon her husband sat up and screamed, I do too!

BOY : Since we met, I cant eat or drink…

GIRL : Why not ??

BOY : Im broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??

GIRL : No thanks, it isnt heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, whats your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

BOY : Dont you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

TRACY : I did once. Hed forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.

Woman : Because Im wild, romantic and exciting?

Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out

of the other.

Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says Im pretty. Andy says Im ugly. What do u think, Peter?

Peter : A bit of both. I think youre pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?

Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

Lily : So what do you do?

Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

Pupil : No, Sir. They havent finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

Son : Well, its a sponge cake, isnt it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. What are you charged with? he asked.

Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.

Thats no offense, replied the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?

Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

Estaba Julieta en la cama con dos hombres, cuando de pronto llega Romeo al castillo, entra en la recámara y los encuentra en una orgía infernal.

Enfurecido, y espada en mano grita:

¿Qué significa esto?, ¡decid vuestros nombres y sacad vuestras espadas para cortar vuestras huevadas!

Al no tener respuesta vuelve a decir:

¡Decid vuestros nombres y sacad vuestras espadas para cortar vuestras huevadas!

En eso uno se levanta y dice:

Yo soy Don Juan de Hinojosa, el de la pinga más hermosa que todo culo destroza.

Y el otro dice:

Yo soy Don Juan Tenorio el cachero más notorio de todo el territorio.

En eso que empezaba la pelea se levanta Julieta y grita.

¡Parad la lucha, parad la lucha…! ¡Qué para todos hay Chucha!

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive, she said.

Well, said the clerk, I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?

$50.00?? For a Frog?? asked the woman.

The clerk said, Its a special frog. It gives blow jobs. Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. Shed get her husband a gift hed surely enjoy, and shed never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure hed try it out that night.

The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing shed never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on.

When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour? asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!

Wanna know a good joke??

LOok in the freakin mirror!!

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date.

When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.

The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra, which he does. She then asks him to remove her panties and he this this also.

The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.

Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?

A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.