A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says Hey! I resent that!
So the first man asks, Why are you a lawyer?
NO! Im an asshole!
28
May
28
May
In old Russia, two beggars sat next to each other in a district where few Jews lived. One held a sign saying Please help the war veteran, and the other holds a sign saying Please help a poor Jew.
People pass by and even those who didnt intend to give money to either of them, give to the first beggar to upset the Jew. Finally, one day a good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: Why dont you change your sign? Dont you understand that nobody will give you any money? and walks away. As he goes, the Jew turns to the other beggar and says: Chaim, he would teach us business…
28
May
An eagle was kept in captivity for 50 years and it had managed to escape. And ofcourse this eagle had not had any sexual intercourse for 50 years.So this eagle was flying round and saw a dove. It flew down, done some business with this dove and flew off. The dove looked up and said Im a dove, i made love, and i liked it.Now this eagle was flying around again and saw a blue tit. So it flew down, done business with this blue tit and flew away. Then the blue tit looked up and said Im a blue tit, i had a bit and i liked itSo now this eagle was flying over this pond and looked down and saw a duck. So it flew down to this duck but the duck looked up and said Im a drake, you made a mistake!!
28
May
You go to the family reunion to pickup women.
Your kid calls you Uncle Daddy.
Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think a thesaurus was a dinosaur.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think that beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
You think the space program is fake and pro wrestling is real.
You think the most popular pick-up line is Nice tooth!
Your idea of safe sex doesnt include anyone else.
28
May
A recently-married man goes into a drugstore to pick up some things. The clerk greets him….
Clerk: Hey, how did the wedding go?
Man: Well, we got married.
Clerk: Thats good!
Man: No, thats bad. I wasnt wearing any clothes.
Clerk: Oh that is bad!
Man: No, thats good — she didnt care and shes rich.
Clerk: Oh, that is good.
Man: No, thats bad. She wont give me any or spend any of it.
Clerk: Oh, thats bad.
Man: No, thats good: She bought a house.
Clerk: Oh, thats good
Man: No, thats bad — it burned down.
Clerk: Oh that is bad.
Man: No thats good — she was in it!
28
May
There was a Jewish gentleman sitting in Central Park one day, and his best friend Saul came up to him and asked him why he read the paper.
You know, Esra, that paper is anti-semitic.
Esra replies, I know, Saul, but I love hearing such good things that come out of this paper. They think Jews control Hollywood, the government, and labor and industry. Its great being a Jew!
27
May
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
27
May
A one-dollar bill (or loonie) met a twenty-dollar bill and said, Hey, where have you been? I havent seen you around here much. The twenty answered, Ive been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you? The one dollar bill (or loonie) said, You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.
27
May
A wheelchair with pedals…
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses…
A submarine with a screen door…
A helicopter with an ejection seat…
A wooden fireplace…
A fireproof match…
A sliding glass door with a peephole…
And a solar-powered flashlight.
27
May
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!