The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldnt be ignored.
Oh dear, said the Queen, How embarrassing. Im frightfully sorry about that.
Its quite understandable, said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, Do you have something you would like to say?
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. I know you cant speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. Shes waiting just outside.
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priests hands. Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you. The wife tearfully opened the note which read:
GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!
Un dÃa en que Jesús y todos sus apóstoles estaban reunidos en la mesa, y habiendo consumido los sagrados alimentos, sus discÃpulos advirtieron que Jesús estaba muy triste y decidieron preguntarle la razón de su estado de ánimo, a lo que Él les respondió:
Hijos mÃos, la verdad es que me duele saber que uno de ustedes me va a traicionar.
Sin saber que decir, uno de los apóstoles se atrevió a preguntar:
¿Acaso seré yo Señor?
No hijo, respondió Jesús, no eres tú.
Y asà siguieron preguntando de uno en uno.
Cuando le llegó el turno a Judas, éste, con una voz temblorosa, preguntó:
¿Acaso seré yo Señor?
A lo que Jesús le contestó:
¡YO NO HABLO CON CULEROS, WEY!
City of Los Angeles High Scoohl Math Profiency final Exam
Name:______________________________
Alias:_______________________________
Gang:______________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of ten shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? What is the Maximum number of people he can hit?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Ricky for $320, and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he have left? What is the street value of the remaining coke?
3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If his cut is $65 a trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800 a day crack habit.
4.Jerome wants to cut his half pound of Heroin to make 20 percent more profit. How many ounces will he need.?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000.
6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending over $100 per month, how much will be left when he gets out of prison?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he steals 3 full cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
8. Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15 percent, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvdor was arrestted for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12 percent and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, Whatll you have? The guy answers, A scotch, please. The bartender hands him the drink, and says Thatll be five dollars, to which the guy replies, What are you talking about? I dont owe you anything for this.A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again.The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, What the heck are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back! The guy says, What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my life! The bartender replies, Im very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.To which the guy replies, Thank you. Make it a scotch.
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her…
Regarding the story about the Kraft marshmallow dispenser:
David Letterman does a sketch entitled Supermarket finds, where his
staff collects supermarket products and makes fun of them. Recently,
he displayed Kraft Marshmallows and their claim about being
The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise.(TM)
And he then remarked, Funny, I thought that was William Shatners job.
So they wont hump womens legs at cocktail parties.
One that my 12 year old son brought home from school:
Bush and Gorbachev decided to get themselves frozen for a hundred years to see
how the current political situation resolved itself. After the time was up
they were thawed, and started to read newspapers to catch up on the situation.
Gorbachev started to laugh. In response to Bushs question he said, I see that
the dollar is still getting weaker.
Then Bush started to laugh. In response to Gorbachevs question of why, he
said, I read that there is renewed fighting on the German-Chinese border.
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. No, Johnny! Stop! Thats horrible! You cant eat worms!
Trying to convince him further, Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.
No, she isnt, said Johnny.
Why not?
Because I ate her first!