Old and New Jokes

The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

• Foreploy:
  any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
• Doltergeist:
  a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
• Giraffiti:
  vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous Surrender Dorothy on the Beltway overpass.
• Sarchasm:
  the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesnt get it.
• Impotience:
  eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
• Reintarnation:
  coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• DIOS:
  the one true operating system.
• Inoculatte:
  to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis:
  terminal coolness.
• Taterfamilias:
  the head of the Potato Head family.
• Osteopornosis:
  a degenerate disease.
• Karmageddon:
  Its like, when everybody is sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like a serious bummer.
• Hindkerchief:
  really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
• Deifenestration:
  to throw all talk of God out the window.
• Acme:
  a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease).

• Dopeler effect:
  the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, went in to try out for the job.

Okay, the sheriff drawled, Gomer, what is 1 and 1?

11 he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, Thats not what I meant, but, in one way, hes right.

What two days of the week start with the letter T?

Today and tomorrow.

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, I dont know.

Well, why dont you go home and work on that one for a while?

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. It went great! First day on the job and Im already working on a murder case!

El judío Isaac sufre de un paro cardíaco, y es llevado a un hospital de emergencia. El doctor al ver que se empieza a asfixiar, ordena:

¡Rápido, rápido, pónganle la mascarilla!

E Isaac responde rápidamente:

¡No no! ¡La más baratilla por favor!

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the
streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

Why did you do that? the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

I know where he lives, came the reply, and he wouldnt have made it.

(My cousin forwarded this to me as a true story, I hope Im not remiss by repeating it here:)

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.

They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didnt have a spare, and couldnt get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 Points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

Cool, they thought. This is going to be easy. They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.

It said: (95 Points)- Which tire was it?

Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldnt have to change for society to accept it.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes, said the genie, But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.

The mans most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

Lets see. My first wish is…

He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, …to live in a ten story luxury mansion.

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable. said the man.

There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

What is your final wish, Master? asked the genie.

I want to lose a testicle, said the man.

The guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was suing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to his grounds for the suite.

Can you belive my wife says Im a lousy lover? sputtered the husband.

thats why youre suing? asked the lawyer.

Of course not. Im suing because she knows the difference.

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the butter!

Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names