Old and New Jokes

Youve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.

You can chew your own toenails.

Youve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, Lets name our Larrys after a soda pop, because Im tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry.

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, Okay then, Im gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and its always up!

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, Im gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week.

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, You know, those two Larrys were good, but Im gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels.

The other two ladies shout in unison, Jack Daniels? Thats not a soda pop… thats a hard liquor!

The third lady bursts out, Thats my Larry!!

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, Well, youve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.

Davidson thinks about it and says, I wanna hang out with God, Himself.

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, Hey, arent you the inventor of Woman?

God says, Ah, yes.

Well, says Davidson, You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. Theres too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much, and

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

Hmmm… replies God, hold on.

God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

It may be that my invention is flawed, God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours!

One night this boy named jacob had brung a girl over named jessica. jacob had a brother the two brothers slept in bunck beds the smaller boy slept on the bottom.jessica and jacob both wanted to have sex but didnt want the little boy to know.so,jacob said to jessica to say lettuce if she wants it harder and tamato if she wants it softer.All you could here was lettuce,tomato,lettuce,tomato,lettuce,tomato!


the little boy at the bottom of the bunck saidstop making sandwitchs your getting mayonase all over me!.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

We know about movies like Collateral Damage, that were scheduled for release but were pulled because of 9/11, causing major headaches for studios. But what about all the books that were written before 9/11 and then had to be scrapped?

Giuliani: Why He Could Never Handle a Huge Crisis

Our Fear-Free, Pampered, Celebrity-Obsessed, Self-Indulgent, Insular American World: Why It Will Go On Like This Forever

Carry On: Its Time To Stop All This Unnecessary Airport Security

Religious Fundamentalism: The Last Best Hope to Bring Peace to the World

Mommy, I Feel Too Safe: How to Raise Children in a Boring World

Hosed: Are Firemen Really All That Brave, Or Is It Just a Bunch Of Hype?

How to Find a Great Name for Your Speed-Metal Band, by Joey Belladonna of Anthrax

Jihad? Wasnt She On Moesha?: 100 Hilarious Jokes About Americans Ignorance of World Affairs and Other Cultures

The Death of CNN: Why The All-News Format Failed

Stem Cell Research: George W. Bushs defining moment

How to Look Afghan

Take a Powder!: The kids guide to de-electronizing finely milled granular substances

Place-Mats: They only show up when theres food on the table.
Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Bike Helmets: Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Government Bonds: They take so long to mature.
Parking Spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Copiers: You need them for reproduction, but thats about it.
Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Bank Accounts: Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.
High Heels: Theyre easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Curling Irons: Theyre always hot, and theyre always in your hair.
Mini Skirts: If youre not careful, theyll creep up your legs.
Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.
Fine wine: They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something youd want to have dinner with.
Vacations: They never seem to last long enough.
Computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and theyre usually wrong.
Plungers: They spend most of their time in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Snowstorms: You never know when theyre coming, how many inches youll get or how long it will last.

Things get worse under pressure.

A young man went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to
see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. Why all the attention? the friend asked, You look fine to me.I know! grinned the patient. But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required 27 stitches.

Q: Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?

A: Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!