Old and New Jokes

According to an article by Francis Baumli in the May 1991 issue of
Mens Health Newsletter, testicles that disappear into the groin
during sex or extreme fright can be quite normal in some men and are
not necessarily a symptom of a hernia, though the men affected may be
considerably worried about what is happening. What happens is that
the cremaster muscles, one attached to each testicle, pull the
testicles up into the inguinal canal. The article concludes with the
paragraph:

Furthermore, according to physical anthropologists, its likely that
Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon man had a cremasteric reflex strong enough
to pull the testicles up into the body during fight or flight. Even
today, martial artists in some disciplines practice raising their
testicles until they can voluntarily pull them up inside the inguinal
canal where they are (supposedly) less likely to be injured during a
fight or sparring match.

And I thought I had total control of my body when I learned to wiggle
my ears.

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Vince.Who? asked the man.Vince Sabio. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince every single time.The man replied, There are always a few clouds over everybody.Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.replied the cabbie.He was something, huh? asked the man.He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out. added the cab driver.No wonder you remember him. remarked the man.Well, I never actually met Vince. said the cabbie.Then how do you know so much about him? asked the man.The cab driver answered, I married his widow.

Your Momma is so ugly that any position is doggy style.

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.

Willie replied: Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now Im chained to this really ugly old thing as penance.

We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.

The King replies: Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance.

We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.

After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.

The woman answered first: When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins…

Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.

Un gringo y un africano estaban en un departamento de asistencia social. El gringo parado detrás del negro le dice Nigger motherfucker, i fuck you. El negro, sin darle importancia, no le hace caso.

Al rato el gringo le dice al negro: ¿Saben por qué ustedes tener palmas de las manos y plantas de pies blancas?

El africano volteando educadamente le responde: No, ¿por qué?

Y el gringo le dice: ¡Porque a ustedes pegarlos contra la pared y pintarlos con pintura de aceite negra y de pasada con crayones¡

El africano, molesto y encabronado, le responde: ¿Y saben por qué ustedes tienen el ano bien negro?

El gringo desconcertado dice: No ¿why?

¡Pues porque nosotros todavía estábamos frescos!

Blutarskys Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. I want to buy this television, she says.

The salesman replies, Sorry, we dont serve blondes here. She gets mad, leaves and goes home.

She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. I want to buy this television. she says to the salesman, getting the same response; Sorry miss, we dont serve blondes here. She leaves again, frustrated.

She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I dont want any problems. To which the salesman

replies, Sorry Miss, we dont serve blondes. Fed up with this, she cries, How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head! To which the salesman replied, Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!

A: She wanted to write shorthand.

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says hes on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park,

Whats that says the Texan

Oh! Thats Queens Park says the Cabby, Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.

Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

Holy cow says the Texan Whats that?

Why thats First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country says the Cabby it took almost 4 years to build.

Really says the Texan Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850 tower and rotating restaurant at 1300

Holy Crap! says the Texan. What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!

The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says –

Heck if I know, it wasnt there yesterday!