Old and New Jokes

Heads I win, tails you lose…

Santa was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?

Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.

So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruises door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!

Although impressed, Santas boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruises house, he tells Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else, Santa says.

President Bush, his boss quickly retorts.

Yes, I know him, lets fly out to Washington.

And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and lets have a cup of coffee first and catch up.

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Santa, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope, his boss replies.

Sure! says Santa. My folks are from Poland, and Ive known the Pope a long time.

So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Santa says, This will never work. I cant catch the Popes eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and Ill come out on the balcony with the Pope.

And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss side, Santa asks, What happened?

His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Whos that on the balcony with Santa Singh?

Un día, una hermosa princesa paseaba tranquilamente cerca de un estanque donde se encontró una rana que al ver a la princesa comenzó a decirle:

¡Oh, hermosa doncella, bésame y me convertiré en un príncipe muy guapo! Serás mi novia. Nos casaremos en una hermosa ceremonia en mi castillo donde podrás vivir conmigo y con mi madre. Cocinarás para nosotros y lavarás nuestra ropa, atenderás mis encargos y mantendrás caliente mi cama por las noches. Arrullarás a mis hijos y los levantarás cada mañana para atenderlos. Te reirás de mis chistes y me soportarás cuando esté de mal humor. Nunca te quejarás y siempre estarás agradecida que te haya hecho mi esposa.

Y aquella noche de estrellas… ¡La princesa cenó ancas de rana!

One day a mother was cleaning her sons room, and in the closet she found a S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her without a word.She finally asked him, Well, what should we do about this? He looked back at her hesitantly and said, Well, I dont think you should spank him.

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can solve, he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his witss end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor.

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, Prepare three envelopes…

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friends wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him.

He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to leave this dump and go to his hotel room to Ya know, get to, like, know each other better.

She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, Im afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation.

He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, Huh? I dont get it!

Exactly! she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.

La maestra está dando la clase y, al subir el brazo para escribir en la pizarra, una de las alumnas advierte que tiene pelos debajo del brazo y le pregunta:

Maestra, ¿qué es eso que usted tiene debajo del brazo?

Esto es un gatito, cuando estés grande vas echar gatitos por aquí y gatitos por allá.

La chiquilla fue a casa de su abuela y, al bañarse, notó que tenía pelos en la entrepierna y empieza a gritar:

¡Abuela, abuela! ¡Mire, tengo un gatito!

La abuela responde: ¡Ah, mira, yo también tengo un gatito!, y se alza el vestido y le enseña su gatito a la nieta. La nieta lo mira y exclama:

¡Ay, pero abuela ese gatito tiene la lengua de fuera!

Hija, ¿pero tú sabes los palos que ha recibido este gato?

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan with a plum in it.

The bartender says, You mean a cherry.



She says, No, I mean a plum.



The bartender says, Look lady, Ive been tending bar for 20 years and youre the first person thats ever asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?



She said, Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and Ive been plumb crazy ever since!

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, Ill give you both of em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um… five?"

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep out the store.But Im a college graduate, the young man replied indignantly.Oh, Im sorry. I didnt know that, said the manager. Here, give me the broom – Ill show you how.