Old and New Jokes

Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.

Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, youre not holding the pillow hard enough!

New Deal software runs in a preemptive, multithreaded multitasking
environment. But what does that mean? Heres an explanation from one
of the designers of the software.

The Walking and Chewing Gum Theory

Single-Tasking: You are walking down the street
and you decide you would like to chew gum. You stop, untie your shoes
and take them off, get a pack of gum from your pocket, take out a
stick, put it in your mouth and then chew. When you are done chewing
you remove the gum from your mouth, place it carefully back inside the
wrapper, put it in your pocket, put back on your shoes and then
continue to walk.

Task-Switching: You are walking down the street
and you decide you would like to chew gum. You slip out of your
loafers, grab the piece of gum you have stashed behind your ear for
just such an emergency and chew, chew, chew. When you are done
chewing, you remove the gum from your mouth and quickly place it
behind your ear (making sure, of course, that no one sees you do
something so disgusting), slip back on your loafers and continue
walking.

Cooperative Multi-tasking: You are walking down
the street with gum in your mouth. Your shoes have been specially
designed to release your brain at the end of every other step. As soon
as your brain is free it notices that you have gum in your mouth. You
chew your gum twice. Your gum then releases its grip on your
brain. Your brain looks around and realizes that you are standing in
the middle of a busy street with your mouth open. You quickly start to
walk, hoping that you will reach the sidewalk before you are hit by a
car and lose your gum. Warning, there may be bugs in your shoes or
your gum. Several users have reported uncontrollable chewing while
standing on one leg.

Pre-Emptive Multi-tasking: You are walking down
the street and chewing your gum. Just like the other coordinated human
beings. Little do they know you are really an android: a flesh covered
machine from the future, stalking the streets of the city, looking for
a haircut.

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.

Whats the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

Hey! Watch this…

18. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.

Beny y Berny eran una pareja de maricas. Beny decide dar una sorpresa a Berny y para ello se tatúa dos bes en el trasero (B B), una en cada nalga.

Cuando llega Berny, éste sólo tiene ganas de liarse a Beny. Beny le dice que se espere, que tiene una sorpresa para él. Pero Berny no espera y le da por detrás.

Cuando termina, Berny melosamente le pregunta a Beny que cuál era la sorpresa que le tenía preparada. Beny agachándose con picardía le dice: mira mi trasero, ¿qué te parece?

Y Berny intrigado le interroga: ¿Bob? ¿Quién es Bob?

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?

She gets her ass chewed out.

1. If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach youre aiming too high.



2. Woman dont make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.



3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:youre sick of him.



4. Never trust a man who says hes the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.



5. A womans work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.



6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.



7. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.



8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.



9. Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.



10. Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.



11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is

married



12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.



13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving — theyd be wrong but you could still use them.



14. Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent — but they make great pets.



15. Mens brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.



16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – dont and stop..



17. Husbands are like children — theyre fine if theyre someone elses.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies, The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boys thinks about this, and then says, Well then, why is the boy wearing black…