Old and New Jokes

A
driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Man: Oh I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Man: Id give it to you but I dont have one.

Officer: Dont have one?

Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.

Man: I cant do that.

Officer: Why not?

Man: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.

Officer: You what?

Man: Shes in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The man steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Man: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your
car please.
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an
empty boot.
Officer2: Is this your car sir?

Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving licence.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and
hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet
and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told
me you didnt have a licence, stole this car, raped
and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?

There is a thread about those supermarket discount customer cards
in misc.consumer. Heres MY followup:

Dear Mr. Jones:

We noticed youve not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently.
(Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have stopped
buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased
your frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame.

Its clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you. (Its probably
for the best – we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she
buys.) We confirmed this with the Post Office database–yep, she
filed a change of address.

We at Horny International offer our condolences. As the number-one
vender of hot X-rated videos, wed like to help you out in this
time of stress. If youre feeling lonely, check out our catalog of
both VHS and super 8 tapes.

Order now and we throw in an extra tape FREE!

Yours Truly;

Sleazy Jerk, Marketing Manager.

ps: That blond at ODougles last Saturday–you bought her
2nd Strawberry Martini? Forget it! Shes on her third yeast
infection in as many months, and is a regular at Acme Pharmacy.
(Her HMO computer gossips with ours.) You never know what else she
might have. Our tapes are LOTS safer!..

I went to church the other day to free my soul from sin;

I was looking for the preacher, but the preacher wasnt in.

The sexton then assured me that thered be no use in waiting,

The preachers gone away, he said, to do some demonstrating.

I asked for the assistant – the next in line would do.

Sorry, said the sexton, hes demonstrating, too.

Well, what I want to know, I said, and Ill make myself quite clear,

While theyre off demonstrating, whos running things down here?

Whos taking care of sinners? Whos leading us in prayer?

Whos feeding all the lost sheep that wander by right here?

Whos baptizing the babies? and, another thing, I said,

Whos looking out for the sick folks and blessing all the dead?

The sexton was a wise old man with a twinkle in his eye;

He looked at me and scratched his head, and this was his reply:

Son, what Im going to say to you might strike you kinda odd,

But since no ones here to help you, put your question up to God.

So I asked Him all these things last night when I bent my knee to prayer,

O Lord, I prayed, please tell me, whos running things down here?

The Lord sent down an angel – it was enough to make me sob –

When the angel said, The devil, and hes doing a darn good job.

Author Unknown

Offensive to G. W. Bush fans.

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you.

She calls Tony Blair in and asks, Tony, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?

Tony Blair replies, Its me!

So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, Dick, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?

And Cheney says, Wow, thats a tough one. Let me get back to you.

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, Colin, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?

And Colin Powell says, Its me!

So Cheney calls Bush and says, Its Colin Powell.

And Bush says, No, you idiot! Its Tony Blair!

Un niño llega a una tortería y pide una torta de jamón. Allí estuvo un buen rato sin que ninguno de los que atendían le hiciera caso. Entonces se le acerca un señor y le pregunta:

¿Qué, niño, te la están haciendo de pedo?

¡No, no, yo la pedí de jamón, protesta el niño.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, I forgot my teeth. The man said, No problem. With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. Try these, he said.

The speaker tried them. Too loose, he said. The man then said, I have another pair…try these. The speaker tried them and responded, Too tight. The man was not taken back at all. He then said, I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.

The speaker said, They fit perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? Ive been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied, Im not a dentist. Im the local undertaker.

Q: Why cant you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: Thats Strange!