Old and New Jokes

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: Quick… tell me which bear ate your friend! The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

Im not really sure, said the other guy, they both look similar. QUICK! Make up your mind! said the ranger.

O.K., said the other, it was the male.

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

But why didnt you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend? the other man asked.

Well, said the ranger…

I never trust anyone who says that the Czechs in the male!

Todas las mañanas una monjita iba por el parque caminando junto a un grupo de pupilas, cuando de repente divisó a la distancia a un hombre acostado en el piso completamente desnudo. Ella pensó que sus alumnas no debían ver ese cuadro y decidió sacrificar su pudor, sentándose sobre el hombre y cubriéndolo con su hábito. Al rato de estar sentada, se sintió iluminada y así les decía:

Ay Santa Rosa, como se llama esta cosa.

Ay San Arturo, parece que algo está duro.

Ay San Fernando, siento algo que está entrando.

Ay San Vicente, es algo caliente.

Ay San Benito, esto si que es bonito.

Ay San Rolando, siento que me estoy mojando.

Ay Santo Tomás, ya no aguanto más.

Ay Santa Eternidad, perdí la virginidad.

Ay San Clemente, que no se entere la gente.

Ay San Pancracio, que me lo saque despacio.

Ay Madre Amada, ¿No quedaré preñada?

Ay San Formento, ¡no vuelvo más al Convento!

Q: Name two words that have no meaning.

A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.

An elderly Jewish man was traveling by slow train from Minsk to Pinsk. At one of the frequent stops he felt hungry and bought a large salt herring. At the same stop a young Russian boy entered into his compartment and as the old man slowly munched his herring the young boy began to tease him.

He said You Jews have a reputation of being so smart. How come that you are all so clever? The old man said to him in answer Since you are such a polite young man and asked so nicely, I will tell you the secret, if you promise not to tell a soul The boy swore by all that was holy that he would never reveal such a precious secret, so the old man finally told him We Jews are so smart because we eat the head of the salt herring The boy was really impressed and said I would like to get smart right away, I see you still have the head of the herring you have just eaten, would you sell it to me?

The old man was reluctant, but in the end he gave in and said All right, all right, you can have it for a ruble Well, a ruble was a high price, but the boy could not wait to get started, so he paid and began to eat the head of the herring. When he was nearly finished he shouted, Wait a minute, I saw you by that whole herring for just ten kopecks and I paid you ten times that just for the head!

The old Jew smiled back at him and said You see, it is begging to work already

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.

They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.

Its impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.

The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; theyll be there in 20 minutes.

Its cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

Arent you going to have a drink? the doctor asked.

AFTER the police get here, replies the lawyer.

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

Id love an ice-cold beer right now, he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said, I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.

I wish I never had to work again. And poof!…

He was back at his desk in the government office!

Un hombre llega a su casa en la madrugada, borracho, excitado y extraviado. Confundido, entra al cuarto de su suegra. Sin saberlo, el tipo le hace el amor a su suegra durante toda la noche. En la mañana, la mujer se levanta y se dirige a la cocina, donde está su hija:

¡Mira que tu esposo llegó borracho y me ha cogido toda la noche!

La hija, indignada, le responde:

Pero mamá, ¿cómo te dejaste? ¿Por qué no lo detuviste?

¡Tú sabes que tengo años de no hablarle ni dirigirle la palabra a ese desgraciado!

Una mujer está acostada en su nueva casa cuando repentinamente empieza a vibrar toda la cama y se oye un tren pasar a lo lejos. La mujer llama inmediatamente al casero y le expone que es imposible vivir allí. Defendiéndose, el arrendador le explica que la estación está muy lejos, que eso es imposible y que él no tiene ninguna queja de algún inquilino. Pero como los dos insisten en su posición, al final el tipo acepta ir a inspeccionar:

Bueno, esto lo podemos comprobar dentro de cinco minutos cuando pase el Talgo Madrid – Irun.

Pues métase aquí conmigo en la cama y ya verá como vibra.

Total que están los dos mirando al techo. En eso que llega el marido y dice el casero:

Si le digo que estoy esperando el tren no se lo va a creer, ¿verdad?

I wanted to go the Paranoids Anonymous
meeting, but they wouldnt tell me
where it was.

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down

to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, What are

those thangs? The driver says, Those are golf tees.

The redneck asks, What those are for? The driver says Those hold

my balls when I drive.

The redneck says, Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with

everythang!