Old and New Jokes

GLN (Good-Looking Nerd) : Can I help you?

MHP (Mississippi Highway Patrolman) : Do you know how fast you were
going, boy?

GLN : Im not sure. The needle doesnt reach the high numbers very well.
I would estimate somewhere between 80 and 85, closer to 85.

MHP : You were going 84 miles an hour.

GLN : See, I was close. I mustve been going uphill.

MHP : What was that?

GLN : Oh, nothing. Is there some reason you pulled me over?

MHP : Im going to have to give you a ticket, boy.

GLN : No thank you.

MHP : What was that?

GLN : If its all the same to you, Id just as soon you keep your
ticket. I dont really have any use for one.

MHP : Dont try to weasel your way out of this, boy. Im going to
give you a ticket.

GLN : What for?

MHP : WHAT FOR??? Speeding, thats what!

GLN : You mean youre going to give me a ticket for going two miles
per hour over the speed limit?

MHP : TWO MILES??? Dont you know what the speed limit is, boy?

GLN : Its posted on the white sign with black letters, right?

MHP : Right.

GLN : 82. Thats what the sign said, 82.

MHP : Thats not the speed limit. This is highway 82.

GLN : I thought this was highway 55. It goes through Winona.

MHP : 55 is the speed limit. This is highway 82. I-55 goes through
Memphis and Jackson.

GLN : But Im going to Starkville, not Memphis or Jackson. You must
be confused.

MHP : This is NOT I-55. This IS highway 82, and it does go to Starkville.

GLN : Thats right. Im going to Starkville on highway 55, and the
speed limit is 82. I dont think you should give me a ticket for
going two miles over the speed limit.

MHP : The speed limit is 55. Didnt you see the sign with the words
SPEED LIMIT and the number 55 on it?

GLN : I was wondering why they would write that on the sign telling the
name of the highway.

MHP : It ISNT the highway sign. The highway is 82, and the speed limit
is 55.

GLN : Do you think you could hurry up and get to the point? Im kind of
in a hurry.

MHP : Is this your car?

GLN : Yes, do you like it?

MHP : Would you turn down that music?

GLN : Its Aretha Franklin. It goes with the car, dont you think?
What are you doing?

MHP : Im writing you a ticket.

GLN : For going two miles over the speed limit?

MHP : No, for going TWENTY-NINE miles an hour over the speed limit.

GLN : Do you think thats unsafe?

MHP : Absolutely. Its very unsafe.

GLN : If I was going so fast, then how did you catch me?

MHP : Well, uh…

GLN : Do you think its safe for you to drive that fast?

MHP : Yes. Ive been trained for high-speed pursuit.

GLN : Dont you think its rather hypocritical of you to be giving me
a ticket? How many wrecks have you had?

MHP : Thats irrelevant.

GLN : Did you see that?

MHP : What?

GLN : That black car just sideswiped your patrol car and kept going.
If you hurry, you can probably catch him.

MHP : #@*%^$! And thats my new patrol car, too. You wait here while
I apprehend that criminal!

GLN : Yeah, right.

[Ed: A work of fiction]

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay
to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, Sorry sir, we dont
serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. Youll have
to bring your elephant in. To which the poor man replied, I am wanting
to know isnt it. What is this reason that you do not serve me? The
shop assistant replied, Because you might eat the pet food yourself.

The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop
assistant with his elephant. Two bales of hay please.

A few days later, the guy is in again. I am wanting isnt it. To buy
a sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes.

Sorry sir, we dont serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you
might want to eat the pet food yourself.

Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red
arse and demands, I am wanting a sack of nuts isnt it!

A few more days pass and the fellow walks in asking for some raw
meat for his tiger. The same response, Sorry sir, we dont serve…

Next day hes in with his tiger. This goes on for a while then one day
he walks in and he has this little box in his hands. The box has a small
hole in the top.

Please be putting your finger into this little hole.

Im not going to do that! the shop assistant responds.

Oh! Please, a thousand begging pleases. Please put your finger into
the hole in this little box.

No! Ive no idea what is in there!

Oh! by the hairy balls of Moloch it is being indeed very very
important to me that you put your finger into this hole.

Oh, all right

She sticks her finger into the hole and then removes it. She looks at
the brown muck and says…

SHIT!

Two toilet rolls please!

Rick Mather
Syndey, Australia

Yesterday, in a county in south Georgia (USA), a young
state trooper went to the local magistrate and requested
a warrant to arrest someone. The magistrate, doing his
job, determined there was insufficient evidence and
refused to issue the warrant.

The trooper arrested the magistrate for obstruction
of justice.

Upon arrival at the county jail, the sheriff quickly
determined what had happened, and refused to lock up the
magistrate.

The best part was the state patrol posts leaders
response, in a radio interview. We believe this was
just a minor misunderstanding. We have spoken with the
trooper, and it wont happen again.

Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new lightbulb – (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in… and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work…

Un hombre manco iba caminando por la calle cuando se encontró una tienda de tecnología super-avanzada, entra y mira en un estante Brazo Robotiko, ver. USA, activado con voz. Rapidísimo lo agarra y se lo lleva al mostrador y le dice al que atiende: Me lo llevo, le contesta muy bien señor, pero debo advertirle que este aparato sólo entiende inglés, no importa, soy bilingüe y ya, se lo lleva a su casa.

A la hora de probarlo, se sirve un vaso de agua con la otra mano y dice: A ver si sirve, DRINK! y zaz, se lleva el vaso a la boca, el hombre emocionado lo repite, DRINK!, y otra vez; ya con confianza decide irse a bailar.

Estando en la pista de baile, dice, DANCE!, y de volada saca los pasos más modernos. Después de un rato y unos tragos, le dan ganas de ir al sanitario, ahé dice OPEN ZIPPER! PULL OUT!

Cuando acaba de orinar, el hombre se excita con una foto de una mujer desnuda en la pared, y le dice al brazo, PULL! se va excitando más y más y le dice, PULL!, PULL!, HARDER!!! y de pronto snatch! de tan fuerte que se la jaló, se la arranca. Entonces el hombre dice asustado FUCK!!!

Y el brazo le mete el pito arrancado por el trasero.

Q. How do you get rid of a boomerang?

A: Throw it down a one way street.

Things you dont want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness

4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?

6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Damn, there go the lights again…

10. Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off.

13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

14. I hope his family wont miss him

15. And now we remove the subjects brain and place it in the body of the ape.

16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

18. Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.

19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

A man was sitting with a few beers watching T.V.

When his wife came home she opened the door to the house and said to her husband Honey could please fix this door, its gonna fall off. He replied Do I look like I have Mitre10 on my head



She said nothing. Later she asked him to fix the ladder so she could change the light bulb and he said Do I look like I have HandyMan on my head?.



Then she asked if he could wash the car and he said to her Do I look like I have Shell Service station on my head?



He became so mad he said Im sick of you, get out of my way – Im going to the pub.





When he came home late that night he noticed the door, light and car had all been fixed.



How did you do that? he asked his wife.



She told him that when she had been sitting on the doorstep crying when he left and a nice man asked if he could help her. She told him what had happened and he said that all she had to do for payment was bake him a cake or have sex with him.



Her husband asked What kind of cake did you make



To which she replied Do I look like I have BettyCrocker on my head?

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?

The guy says, You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.

The bartender says, What do you have?

The guy says, 75 cents.