Old and New Jokes

Q. What goes 99 click? A. A centipede with a wooden leg.

La señora, cómodamente instalada en la cama, espera la llegada del marido.

Ya llegué, mi amor.

¡Qué bueno, cariño!, le contesta mientras, muy sexy, se remolinea. Entonces, le pide:

Mi vida, dime algo dulce.

¿Algo dulce? Pues, chocolate.

No, algo romántico.

¿Algo romántico? Pues, Luis Miguel.

¡No, algo que me caliente!, le pide con mayor énfasis.

El tipo tarda en contestar y le dice:

¿Algo que te caliente? Pues…¡Chinga tu madre!

Un joven y su futuro suegro están de copas. En un momento de la ronda, el muchacho le dice:

Sabes que llevo con tu hija siete años de noviazgo y creo que ya es momento de pedirte el coño de ella.

Extrañado, el futuro suegro se le queda mirando y le aclara

¡Cómo que el coño, será la mano, normalmente se suele pedir la mano!

¡Que va, que va! ¡El coño, el coño, que estoy hasta los cojones de que me haga pajas!

Dos amigos estaban escalando una montaña cuando de repente uno de ellos dio un paso en falso y cayó de la cima, desapareciendo de la vista del otro.

Como venían equipados con equipos de radio, el otro trató de contactarlo de inmediato con el suyo:

¡Bueno, bueno…! ¿estás bien?

¡Sí, estoy bien!

El amigo suspiró aliviado, y siguió preguntando:

¿Tienes alguna fractura?

No, ninguna.

Entonces vuelve a subir y aquí te espero.

¡No puedo, todavía estoy cayendoooooooo!

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer.



The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?



The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your

research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has

medical bills that are several times her annual income?



Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.



Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?



The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident? the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?



The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said

simply, I had no idea…



On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Dear Employee:



As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.



Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.



This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.



SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.



SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.



This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).



Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.



If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).



As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.



Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:



Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.



Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.



And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey Doc can I ask you a question?

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.



The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fixem, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?



The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….. Try doing it with the engine running!

You know you a redneck when the speaker says do the hodown and you throw your wife on the floor.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered, 10 pounds.

The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?

The proud Texas father said, Yup …just had him circumcised!

Q: What do you say to a blonde that wont give in?

A: Have another beer.