Old and New Jokes

At one time I had a whole list but these are all I can remember. Please send me any additions or the original list if you have it.

IN HONOR OF NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK OUR FRIEND WEE WILLY RUBBER REMINDS US:

Dont be a fool! Vulcanize your tool!
About to blast her? Cover your bushmaster.
Going out? Shroud your sprout!
Undressing Venus? Dress up your penis!
befo da van start to rockin put yo cock in a stockin!
When being a charmer, a coverd dick will never harm her.
About to dick her? Dont forget your slicker.
Before spreading thighs be sure to condomize.
Taking out the trouser mouse? Dont forget his rubber blouse.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alvin!
Alvin who!
Alvin a great time, how about you?

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Run! Shes got a grenade in her mouth!

Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.

Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, Hi stranger, my name is Mike. Ill give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.

The man says, Thanks…Mikes Place?

Nope.

Mikes Tavern?

No,

Mikes Pub?

No, but heres a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joints name is Sallys Leggs!

Thats a good one. the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He responds, Im just waiting for Sallys Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT OWN RISK! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.



As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You dont even need a license, he said.



So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.



Well, sure, said the patrolman, But you cant bait em.

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning
tea pat yelled: Mick! I lost me finger!

Have you now? says Mick. And how did you do it?

I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…Damn! There goes
another one!

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

There were empties and butts

Left around by some louse.

And the best quart Id hid

By the chimney with care

Had been swiped by some creep

Whod discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests

Had been poured into bed

(Theyll wake in the morn

With a God-awful head)

My tongue, cotton-coated,

Hung down to my belt

And only the seasick

Could know how I felt!

My wife – she had long ago

Gone up to bed

While visions of Redskins

Danced in her head.

And I in the parlor

Sat all alone,

Id unplugged the cat

And put out the phone.

Just then, through a window

Came noise and smells

Like an overturned beer truck

And tinkle of bells!

I sprang from my chair

To see what was the matter

To see what was causing

The smell and the clatter.

When what to my wondering

Eyes did appear

But eight drunken reindeer

And sled full of beer!

With a little old driver,

Nose red as a brick,

I knew it was Santa

As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward

His reindeer they came

While he hiccoughed and burped

And called them by name:

On Gallo! On Ripple!

We aint got all night!

You, too, Manischevitz!

And you, Miller lite!

Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!

Give Busch there a hand!

Now now, Lowenbrau –

You can go when we land!

Head up for that roof —

Watch out for the wall!

Get going, you guys

Weve got a long haul!

So up to my roof

Went his reindeer and sled

But my TV antenna

Hit him right in the head!

And then in a twinkling

I heard Santa swear

So hot that it melted

The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment

This guy had no class

For he fell down my chimney

Right smack on his sack!

He was dresed all in fur

From his head to his toes.

Red were his eyeballs,

His coat and his nose.

He had a round face

And toy-filled sack

His breath would have blown

A freight off the track!

He was chubby and plump

And he tried to stand right

But he couldnt fool me –

He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word

But went straight to his work

And missed half the stockings,

The plastered old jerk!

Then putting five fingers

To the end of his nose

He gave me the word

As up the chimney he rose.

Crossing my rooftop

He went at a run

Not seeing what one

Of his reindeer had done.

He skidded, and then

Fell flat on his face!

His remarks after this

Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled

And I heard Santa moan:

Why did I stop there?

Buxs kids are all grown!

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: Ive seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!

Hugh replies: Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, shes charging a small fortune.

Bill (with a chuckle): Hugh, moneys no object to me. Whats her number. So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.

To which she replies: Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.